I've always had a hard time focusing on these sorts of things. When I pray by myself, even if I mutter out loud, I lose focus and need to get myself back on track; I think about songs I recently listened to, things I want to do today or tomorrow, things that happened yesterday, etc. Even when I read sometimes I lose focus. Maybe I have ADD, but there's some part of myself or my body that constantly jumps around.
Today, I realized that when I'm doing something with my hands it's much easier for me to concentrate. As I was reading at B&N today and sipping on a drink, I kept playing with the bottle cap and realized that I had just breezed through two chapters of Mere Christianity. Interestingly enough, it seems that distracting part of myself helped me focus on another.
So my question, I suppose, is this: Knowing that stimulus to my hands of some sort helps me focus, how can I use that to my advantage and how can I get over it? Do I even need to get over it? In my mind I'd like to mentally discipline myself to the point where I can simply focus on things and be still and find peace in quietness, rather than in busyness (busyness with my hands, at least). Part of me wonders if this ongoing need to do something with my hands transfers and correlates to my need to do something with my time (in general).
It's easy to busy myself doing things "for God," but can I really be still and know that He is God? Not just still in the mornings or in the evenings, but have a constant mental, emotional, spiritual stillness that is a peace and simply knows that God is God. That He is King, over this world and over my life.
Ok, I just answered my own question. Yes, I need to get over it. And yes, I need the power of Christ and God's grace to cover (and free me from) my sins, such as my need to prove my self-worth through actions and doing the "right" things. But for now, maybe when I'm reading (or something like that), I'll make sure I have something to distract my other self with...
