Sometimes I have a really hard time trusting people. I think there are various reasons for this, but unfortunately I think it's been something that has been growing lately. Over a year ago I realized that I was starting to stop 'believing in people', which I think means something similar to not trusting people.
I'm not sure how I feel about this. Not trusting people makes it hard to be vulnerable, which often is a good thing, and can lead to a lot of good things... although it can lead to bad things too. Like lots of hurt and pain. But I just don't know how much we're supposed to trust people. Or, how much I'm "supposed" to trust people. Like, God calls us to love our neighbor as ourselves... but how much do we have to trust people to love them?
I'm trying to figure out whether God trusted us. But even if he did, it doesn't really make a huge difference because... after all, he's sovereign and all, so he can do whatever he wants. From today's Utmost for His Highest:
"God came as a baby, giving and entrusting Himself to me. He expects my personal life to be a "Bethlehem." Am I allowing my natural life to be slowly transformed by the indwelling life of the Son of God? God’s ultimate purpose is that His Son might be exhibited in me."
It's like, God trusted us, and... also trusted that we would fail? (like, we crucified Jesus, we fail to follow Him, we continue to sin, etc.)
It seems quite the predicament... So I'm supposed to trust in people, even though I know people will fail. But there's that question of, what to expect... maybe "trust" and "expect" aren't really the best words to use. Maybe we're supposed to be "open" to people, to let people into our lives in hopes of experiencing part of what God has done in our lives... to share that love.
I guess the only thing to expect is to be broken. Sort of like Jesus. If God is love, then love is bringing yourself from 100% to 0%, putting yourself through torture, humility, loneliness, while expecting almost nothing in return. That's a pretty hard life to lead. Are we supposed to trust that we will get burned by the people around us? To expect to be broken, to be alone? Part of me feels like we are... and I don't know if I really want to do that. Well, I do. I don't know if I'm ready.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Going nowhere fast
I don't like the feeling of being stuck. I also don't like thinking that I'm making "progress" when in fact I am not; I think this is an illusion that a lot of society buys into. Actually, I think we could safely say that everyone buys into, at one point or another. Take video games for example. Role Playing Games (RPGs) are often rewarding because they make the player feel accomplished; your character levels up, you get stronger, you can defeat more monsters, etc.
Actually I was about to list a bunch of other examples, but realized that a lot depends on what we see as "progress". Or, better yet, how do we decide whether things are worthwhile or not? What is the difference between a worthy investment and an unworthy investment? A lot of times it comes down to one of two things: money or people. Money puts food on the table, and people make life worth living. If this life is all we've got (it isn't, but a lot of people think it is), then those are probably the two most important things we could have, since they probably last the longest and can give the most emotional satisfaction.
Christian or not, I think this is really a question we should all be asking ourselves: what is the point of all this? Is getting that six-figure salary really worth it? Is even raising a family and going through the struggles of dating, marriage, parenthood, all worth it? A lot of endeavors seem to be simply for self-pleasure or self-satisfaction. A lot also seem to be for the future, for things that will be better in the long run. We work so we can have money so we can satisfy our hunger, or we invest in people that will support us emotionally where financial support isn't really enough. But even these things seem to be temporary in the long run... we lose our jobs, unsuspected and unpredictable disasters strike, people die (sadly)...
Short of doing things to further the Kingdom of God, which is something that is permanent and everlasting, I'm not sure what the purpose is to progress in other areas, other than for temporary enjoyment. Which isn't bad in itself, but can very quickly lead to a pretty messed up life. Playing around with the time-frame of everything makes things seem... very different. Like if we think with an eternal perspective rather than a temporary one, things that aren't for His glory seem trivial. Which, in different ways, they are, and are not. Life should be enjoyed, since life, in itself, is an amazing gift from God. But it shouldn't be wasted.
How to not waste my life... that's still something I'm working on. For now, I just know that I don't want to.
Actually I was about to list a bunch of other examples, but realized that a lot depends on what we see as "progress". Or, better yet, how do we decide whether things are worthwhile or not? What is the difference between a worthy investment and an unworthy investment? A lot of times it comes down to one of two things: money or people. Money puts food on the table, and people make life worth living. If this life is all we've got (it isn't, but a lot of people think it is), then those are probably the two most important things we could have, since they probably last the longest and can give the most emotional satisfaction.
Christian or not, I think this is really a question we should all be asking ourselves: what is the point of all this? Is getting that six-figure salary really worth it? Is even raising a family and going through the struggles of dating, marriage, parenthood, all worth it? A lot of endeavors seem to be simply for self-pleasure or self-satisfaction. A lot also seem to be for the future, for things that will be better in the long run. We work so we can have money so we can satisfy our hunger, or we invest in people that will support us emotionally where financial support isn't really enough. But even these things seem to be temporary in the long run... we lose our jobs, unsuspected and unpredictable disasters strike, people die (sadly)...
Short of doing things to further the Kingdom of God, which is something that is permanent and everlasting, I'm not sure what the purpose is to progress in other areas, other than for temporary enjoyment. Which isn't bad in itself, but can very quickly lead to a pretty messed up life. Playing around with the time-frame of everything makes things seem... very different. Like if we think with an eternal perspective rather than a temporary one, things that aren't for His glory seem trivial. Which, in different ways, they are, and are not. Life should be enjoyed, since life, in itself, is an amazing gift from God. But it shouldn't be wasted.
How to not waste my life... that's still something I'm working on. For now, I just know that I don't want to.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Imperfect perfection? Or another corny paradox.
In missions training we've been flying in a pastor from out of state to speak to us and help train us and prep us for the field (I'm going to Japan to teach English, among other things). The general topic was church history and such, but towards the end he made a point that really interested me. It went something along the lines of this:
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Why do you think that God always seems to use broken, messed up people to do His work? A lot of times, through history, we see pretty sinful people do amazing things for God. This seems to be a question that comes up a lot; a lot of people say that it's so that all of the glory goes to God, because there's no way we could do such great things on our own. God's power is shown through our weaknesses. Maybe it's to humble believers who are used, to remind us that it is not us doing the work, but God. It could be for those, and it could be for a lot of other things, maybe each one particular to each case.
But maybe there's something about these flaws that helps bring perfection. Look at Jesus; He was the perfect example of someone who day in and day out followed God's will, obeyed his calling, and laid his life down for his brothers and sisters (us). But after the resurrection, He still had scars on his hands; a flaw, an imperfection. He could have easily gotten rid of them, I'm sure. I mean, he rose from the dead, probably could walk through walls (to get out of the tomb), performed countless miracles (many of them healing), but himself was left with scars in his wrists from being crucified. Maybe there's something perfect, something really great, about being flawed. Maybe perfection itself is being flawed. Maybe. I don't know, just some food for thought.
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And I guess, it is just food for thought. I feel like a lot of things in the Bible leave you asking questions, but God provides us enough to understand that He is much bigger than us, infinitely absolute, and that He loves us. But stuff like this makes me wonder. And I'll just have to tack it on to the list of things that I'll be reaching towards, for most likely the rest of my life.
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Why do you think that God always seems to use broken, messed up people to do His work? A lot of times, through history, we see pretty sinful people do amazing things for God. This seems to be a question that comes up a lot; a lot of people say that it's so that all of the glory goes to God, because there's no way we could do such great things on our own. God's power is shown through our weaknesses. Maybe it's to humble believers who are used, to remind us that it is not us doing the work, but God. It could be for those, and it could be for a lot of other things, maybe each one particular to each case.
But maybe there's something about these flaws that helps bring perfection. Look at Jesus; He was the perfect example of someone who day in and day out followed God's will, obeyed his calling, and laid his life down for his brothers and sisters (us). But after the resurrection, He still had scars on his hands; a flaw, an imperfection. He could have easily gotten rid of them, I'm sure. I mean, he rose from the dead, probably could walk through walls (to get out of the tomb), performed countless miracles (many of them healing), but himself was left with scars in his wrists from being crucified. Maybe there's something perfect, something really great, about being flawed. Maybe perfection itself is being flawed. Maybe. I don't know, just some food for thought.
------------------------
And I guess, it is just food for thought. I feel like a lot of things in the Bible leave you asking questions, but God provides us enough to understand that He is much bigger than us, infinitely absolute, and that He loves us. But stuff like this makes me wonder. And I'll just have to tack it on to the list of things that I'll be reaching towards, for most likely the rest of my life.
Writing
So I told myself (and a few other people) that I would try to write more in this blog, because I thought it was good for me, both in helping my personal thought process and pushing my writing... skills? (since my classes don't really do that right now).
But without explicit stuff to write about this seems kind of hard. I feel like a lot of writing, or art/expression, in general, is making the mundane and boring seem exciting and beautiful. Which they are. But when we look at things through the same lens day to day, things start to seem the same, day after day. And yea, sometimes they are, but then we don't really get to see the beauty and complexity of the world around us.
I also feel like I repeat myself a lot. Like this sentence, me saying that I repeat myself a lot, is something that I feel like I repeat a lot. And similarly, I feel like I often go back to this vague ideas like, life being complicated and crazy, or God's grace being so amazing in my life. Either my thoughts are stuck in some weird cycle or circle that I have a hard time getting out of, or my life can pretty much be summarized by those things.
I'm also afraid of writing stuff that sucks. Or that I think sucks. I guess anything "artistic" or "personal" is weird like that. Because we're supposed to write, or draw, or make music, that comes from something that's more natural or heartfelt, but society often picks apart the little details in everything, making these things something that is refined and carefully, mindfully created. So, hopefully I'll move into some area where I can learn to write more freely and will be able to challenge my own thinking with this.
But without explicit stuff to write about this seems kind of hard. I feel like a lot of writing, or art/expression, in general, is making the mundane and boring seem exciting and beautiful. Which they are. But when we look at things through the same lens day to day, things start to seem the same, day after day. And yea, sometimes they are, but then we don't really get to see the beauty and complexity of the world around us.
I also feel like I repeat myself a lot. Like this sentence, me saying that I repeat myself a lot, is something that I feel like I repeat a lot. And similarly, I feel like I often go back to this vague ideas like, life being complicated and crazy, or God's grace being so amazing in my life. Either my thoughts are stuck in some weird cycle or circle that I have a hard time getting out of, or my life can pretty much be summarized by those things.
I'm also afraid of writing stuff that sucks. Or that I think sucks. I guess anything "artistic" or "personal" is weird like that. Because we're supposed to write, or draw, or make music, that comes from something that's more natural or heartfelt, but society often picks apart the little details in everything, making these things something that is refined and carefully, mindfully created. So, hopefully I'll move into some area where I can learn to write more freely and will be able to challenge my own thinking with this.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Some things to clear up
I'm not quite sure why I'm starting this. I think it's something in between me wanting to get better at writing, me thinking that my thoughts are good enough and have enough value/wisdom/whatever to be written somewhere, and writing being a good outlet and tool for... me, I guess.
It's really easy to go through life without really thinking about what we're doing. A lot of thought often goes into the past or the future, depending on what type of person you are. I think our thoughts can often lend to regrets of the past or high hopes for the future; we hope to make changes tomorrow because of the mistakes that we made yesterday. Personally, regret is still something that I think I struggle with, and somewhat contributed to the name of the blog. Before we launch into anything, big things, I think it's something we all should really be doing.
In particular, it seems that many people don't really count the cost of following Christ. Earlier this semester I was at an outreach event hosted by another fellowship, and the speaker's message was titled, "Why I don't want to be a Christian." And seemingly rightly so. I think people come to Christ expecting things in return, wanted to be rewarded for our "holiness" or our effort to follow God's Word. But there are plenty of reasons not to be a Christian. A lot of them are even in the Bible. We're going to get persecuted, the world is going to hate us, we might have to leave home, leave mothers and fathers, friends and loved ones, we might lose our life. In fact, we're supposed to consider our lives lost for the sake of Jesus Christ; anyone who wants to be great among us must be a servant to all. A servant to all... is pretty extreme. Crazy talk.
Yet there are so many Christians who claim to walk in the footsteps of Jesus Christ, but do not embrace His teachings. When Jesus was asked what the greatest commandment was, He explained that it was to "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and all your soul and all your mind and all your strength," and that the second was to "love your neighbor as yourself." It elsewhere says that "Greater love has known no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." (John 15:13).
So are we really doing this? Is anyone? I'm certainly not. I have not laid down my life for God, nor my friends, nor my neighbors... I hardly know the full cost of being Jesus' disciple. But I say that I am.
C.S. Lewis said, "Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important." And I full-heartedly agree. It is, in its essence, the difference between life and death. And if it is life, if it is truth, we should be desperately chasing God with everything that we've got. No matter what the cost.
And though it would seem that the cost might not matter in light of these two extreme possibilities, I think it does. Because a lot of times, in order for us to give "everything" to God, we must give them piece by piece. He doesn't rush us, because love is patient. Understanding what we're giving up (what the cost is) also gives insight into what we're getting, and what we're giving for. Just like anything else, the value or worth of anything can be measured by what we've had to give to gain it. And we're supposed to give our lives for Christ, whatever that means. Must be worth a lot.
EDIT:
I think what is better to think about is not particularly the cost of following Jesus, (since the word alludes to various things that might be falsely implied), but rather what it means, looks like, feels like, to follow Him. So this blog is about that journey of loving God more and more. There we go.
It's really easy to go through life without really thinking about what we're doing. A lot of thought often goes into the past or the future, depending on what type of person you are. I think our thoughts can often lend to regrets of the past or high hopes for the future; we hope to make changes tomorrow because of the mistakes that we made yesterday. Personally, regret is still something that I think I struggle with, and somewhat contributed to the name of the blog. Before we launch into anything, big things, I think it's something we all should really be doing.
In particular, it seems that many people don't really count the cost of following Christ. Earlier this semester I was at an outreach event hosted by another fellowship, and the speaker's message was titled, "Why I don't want to be a Christian." And seemingly rightly so. I think people come to Christ expecting things in return, wanted to be rewarded for our "holiness" or our effort to follow God's Word. But there are plenty of reasons not to be a Christian. A lot of them are even in the Bible. We're going to get persecuted, the world is going to hate us, we might have to leave home, leave mothers and fathers, friends and loved ones, we might lose our life. In fact, we're supposed to consider our lives lost for the sake of Jesus Christ; anyone who wants to be great among us must be a servant to all. A servant to all... is pretty extreme. Crazy talk.
Yet there are so many Christians who claim to walk in the footsteps of Jesus Christ, but do not embrace His teachings. When Jesus was asked what the greatest commandment was, He explained that it was to "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and all your soul and all your mind and all your strength," and that the second was to "love your neighbor as yourself." It elsewhere says that "Greater love has known no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." (John 15:13).
So are we really doing this? Is anyone? I'm certainly not. I have not laid down my life for God, nor my friends, nor my neighbors... I hardly know the full cost of being Jesus' disciple. But I say that I am.
C.S. Lewis said, "Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important." And I full-heartedly agree. It is, in its essence, the difference between life and death. And if it is life, if it is truth, we should be desperately chasing God with everything that we've got. No matter what the cost.
And though it would seem that the cost might not matter in light of these two extreme possibilities, I think it does. Because a lot of times, in order for us to give "everything" to God, we must give them piece by piece. He doesn't rush us, because love is patient. Understanding what we're giving up (what the cost is) also gives insight into what we're getting, and what we're giving for. Just like anything else, the value or worth of anything can be measured by what we've had to give to gain it. And we're supposed to give our lives for Christ, whatever that means. Must be worth a lot.
EDIT:
I think what is better to think about is not particularly the cost of following Jesus, (since the word alludes to various things that might be falsely implied), but rather what it means, looks like, feels like, to follow Him. So this blog is about that journey of loving God more and more. There we go.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
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