Time sure does fly. I remember when I was a freshman and even sophomore and people that were graduating (or had graduated) told me how fast college flies by. Granted, I still have a full year ahead of me and I cannot imagine what graduating is like, it's already hitting me that I'm going to be out of here in a year. But that's not really what I want to write about.
Over the past week we've been getting applications for Servant Team (ST) and seeing how God has moved in different people's lives through our fellowship, church, small groups, etc. has been a HUGE blessing and encouragement. Incredible, seriously. And it makes me wonder a few things, about myself and people in general.
First, I wonder if we share how we've grown with each other. I wonder if we didn't have these applications, if the people applying would freely and voluntarily, without bring prompted, share how God has grown them, transformed them and revealed Himself to them over the year. I wonder if we restrict ourselves to the "serious" times when we need to talk about "serious" stuff. I think sometimes it's hard to break the awkwardness when talking about our faith with others, but for some reason it's easier to be honest when we're writing (or typing I suppose).
Second, and probably what hits me more, is that I wonder if I've really given everything I could over this past year. I wonder if I really have been faithful to the things God has called me to; I wonder if I've squandered my time pretending to do the right things and say the right words.
Because I simply can't help but feel like we're missing something. Like I'm missing something. Like for a long time I've been reaching for something, reaching for God, but never really knew how to get there. Didn't know how to manage my time, how to utilize my gifts and talents, how to make the most of my relationships and every waking minute that God has gracefully given me.
Honestly, this year has been a constant struggle for me to feel like I'm using every waking moment to glorify and worship the Lord. I feel like in particular, God's been challenging me to be intentional with my relationships and time with people. And sadly, even though I still feel like that's where God challenged me this past semester/year, I feel like I've failed.
Failing at something seems pretty harsh, but let me elaborate. I don't say "fail" in the sense that there was no fruit, or that people weren't transformed, or that I didn't see the results that I would've liked to. I say fail in the sense that I'm not quite sure if I've really been entirely faithful in obeying God in this respect. It certainly doesn't feel like it; although there have been times when I have pushed myself in relationships and comfort zones, there have been times when I did not. I'd like to say I tried my best, and I think in ways I did; but I know that there was more. That there is more, and that there will be more.
You know what really fires me up, what really makes me want to get out there, reach for more, push my limits? Seeing other people on fire for God. I don't think this is in itself bad unless it becomes something I rely on to find passion, but when I grow discouraged or tired, for the most part, what really picks me back up is seeing other people struggle to live for the Lord. Seeing God glorified is AMAZING. Maybe I'm just blind to so much of it, so it's easy to slack off, instead of become a part of the movement God is leading.
Perseverance is something that isn't easy to come by. With every waking day I realize that each day is another day to live for and give to God. And some days are harder than others. Maybe we really need to be more intentional not simply in encouraging each other, but also in sharing our testimonies of how God has been amazingly good and gracious to us. It reminds us, and me, that God is real, and that He is working. Especially when my faith is too weak to believe it without seeing it.
I pray that God will increase my faith, that I may serve faithfully and make strides in giving every day to Him.
But despite the uneasy feeling of dissatisfaction from this past year, God has been ridiculously good and faithful, as always. Amen to that.
Hopefully more writing will come in regards to this year. Feel like there's so much to write about.
