Hum.

Well, took the last post down after talking to a good friend. So if you're reading and/or read it on google reader... realize that I did a pretty poor job conveying what I wanted to and it probably sounded one-sided, judgmental, off-target, and much more...

I told myself that if I were ever in the position where I was questioning what I would post that I would just do it unless I felt really strongly against it, since I'm kind of hoping to encourage more transparency and such... but I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea.

Words are too trixy for me. =(

Lost?

It seems quite easy to lose myself.

Right when I forget to ground myself in the Word daily, losing motivation and falling off-track seem to be much easier, if not inevitable. Thoughts and questions that I know the answers to start to come in when I forget. When my heart and my mind start to wander from this straight and narrow path laid out before me. I forget to find myself in the Lord before I find myself in anyone, or anywhere else.

Reading the Bible every day is a good reminder to be found in our Heavenly Father first and foremost. Though this is a discipline I'm still working on, it's slowly getting there... and I pray that I will continue to learn more and more how much I need to be found in Him and Him alone.

Brokenness.

Break us down, mold us and restore us, conform us to Your will.

We need You now.

Break us down, and piece by piece, put us back together...

Heart space.

Heart space.

If such a thing exists, which I'm sure it does, I don't think that we can ever have enough of it. But, because we are bound by time and space, we are undoubtedly restricted in how much heart space we can have, how much we can deeply care about.

What I think we can grow infinitely (or to a much larger amount, at least in my opinion), is our heart strength, if you will. (Or, looking back after finishing this post, heart depth.)

How grounded are we in the love of Jesus Christ? Maybe heart strength isn't the best word to describe this, but we can most certainly grow in letting God's love pour and endlessly flow through us. We love because He loved us. I think the more the lose ourselves, the more we die to ourselves, the more power and sovereignty God has in using us for His Kingdom.

It's really easy to forget that we can go deeper. That somehow, amidst our absolute and infinite depravity, we have the ability to deeply, deeply love. That no matter how thin we are spread, no matter how tired or weary, no matter how discouraged or stuck in a rut, God's love does not only pull us out and restore us, but lets us love others like nobody else can.

Over the past year, a lot of people have challenged me to focus more on fewer people in my life. Not that I should neglect people or anything like that, but that I should absolutely not try to do everything and anything I can. That I should challenge myself to go, well, deeper.

As I take steps towards that, my prayer is simply this: that my love for God will continue to grow, right along side my love for the people around me.

There is always, always more.

A Confession.

I have a really hard time talking to people about Jesus Christ.

Tonight we did went out around NYU to tell people about Epiphany, an event meant to display the Gospel through various artistic means and reach out to people through different artistic mediums.

We talked about where we would go and with who, prayed, and people went off in pairs. I stayed behind for late comers and to hand out fliers / talking to people in that area. For a large portion of the night, I was by myself.

It was really hard.

Hard because, simply put, I was afraid of approaching people. And I don't know why. I mean, I do, but I don't. I know that I didn't approach people because I'm afraid of what they'll say or what they'll think, I don't like the feeling of getting rejected, I don't like approaching strangers, I feel awkward, I feel uncomfortable.

But I know why I shouldn't be afraid. And why I should be more bold about talking to people.

Because unless someone tells them about the good news of Jesus Christ, who came to save sinners, who died for me, who loves them so dearly... they will never know Him.

More than not knowing Jesus Christ, they are going to die. They are dying as we speak, as I write this post. They are going to suffer for eternity. Severed from God.


God has been placing in my heart a greater desire to see people come to know Him. Maybe it [my heart] still has a lot of growing to do; I have a lot of growing to do. I pray that very soon, I'll be able to just throw myself out there, forget myself, and remember God.

I guess, in that sense, I still haven't completely died to myself yet.

Please.

Let's just pray for humility.

In every sense of the word.

Sleep(less)

Tonight is the first night in awhile that I am having trouble sleeping. Hopefully after this I will be more tired.

So here I am writing about it. Needless to say, there seem to be a lot of things on my mind... and this seems to be a relatively pivotal point in my life (both this semester/next one or two years).

I used to really, really love sleeping. I remember when I was a freshman I slept absurd amounts, something like 8-10 hours a night plus sleeping in a good amount of my classes as well as taking naps during the days. I think deep down, we naturally really like to rest. To effectively, do nothing.

But I think this year is the first where I am consciously denying myself sleep. Where I go to sleep thinking, "only what's necessary to get through the next day," rather than something like, "until I feel completely rested."

Rather than praying for rest in God, I need to keep pushing myself to pray for perseverance and energy and strength. Not praying for less, but praying for the strength to be faithful to who and what God has placed in my life.

Press on.

Repair.

Why do we always feel like we need to fix things? We seem to have this idea that there is some ideal state that we want things to be... some place of peace, serenity, or something like that.

I feel like we also have this natural tendency to try to "fix" people. (As if people can be fixed...). Why do we always try to make things "right"? What makes us really think that we have the ability to make things better, or even know what 'better' really is? We're all broken people after all. More often than not, people just want to know that they're not alone, that someone cares, or that someone's willing to listen. There's this lie that is often told to us that we're alone... but we're not.

I think it's okay to be a little broken sometimes. Or, maybe, often. Maybe it's just a weird thing of mine (I know it's not, but it might not be shared by everyone,) but sometimes I get a strange relief from some sort of sorrow, or loneliness, brokenness. I think it's what it takes sometimes for me to remember that I'm human. And for me to feel human. Like life isn't meant to pass by without struggle and strife, without conflict... like I'm supposed to embrace it when it comes and learn to love it.

And I'm okay with being messed up sometimes because I know that God isn't. Because I know that from the lowest of lows and the deepest of depths, my God will pull me back up and bring redemption. And that, is beautiful.


This may have been my most therapeutic writing yet. Hurrah.

thinking

One thing that kind of bothers me with my thinking is that (I think that) I think in very abstract, kind of lofty ideas. Like, big concepts, big-picture type stuff that seems hard to apply to my life. Well, I can apply it, because I think like that, but when I try to imagine my writing from a 3rd person perspective, sometimes it seems pretty lofty. Pretty far out there.

I was having a conversation with a friend last night, and as we were leaving the restaurant, agreed that we should continue to learn how to appreciate the little things in life. All the things that seem mundane or routine even, should be appreciated... the fact that we are living in this time and space should be acknowledged. And be given thanks for.

Maybe part of me is afraid of thinking/writing of things that are more personal/close to my heart... but maybe I just have a really abstract way of thinking. Or maybe a little bit of both. I guess my only real qualm is, that it can be hard to really apply those random thoughts to myself, let alone describe them and relay them to other people. Maybe I'm just weird.

Well, how we apply larger/more abstract ideas is really what makes them important right? If ideas just remain as ideas then they seem kind of useless... a lot of times we're left with the question, "so now what?"

gray. (grey?)

I wish there were more things in life that were black and white. Or, it were easier to see things as black and white, right and wrong... I feel like even if doing the "right" thing was really, really hard, I'd be okay doing it, because I would know for sure that it was the right thing. But more often than not it seems like putting a lot of energy and effort into the "right" thing isn't a sure-fire way to do the right thing.

But I'm not just talking about right and wrong. Like, finding this thing we like to call "balance" in my life; balance between school and friends, between prayer and time with people, balance between the present and the future. Like, if we don't live in the moment, we'll never really get a chance to live... but if we don't plan for the future, we might not have one. Or, I really need to study and take care of myself, but other people need my help with these certain things and I should really be trying to actively love them.

And the answer to a lot of these things and qualms seems to be to go back to the prayer times with God and ask for some discernment. A lot of answers come from a simple shift in perspective, prioritizing certain heart motives over others. Sometimes this seems to subjective... but then again, I guess in a way, everything is.

On second thought, even if things were more black and white, I think I would have a hard time believing what was what. Being human, I feel like I naturally have a hard time believing things that are absolute, regardless of what they are. Even if I am convicted of my own beliefs and think I have strong evidence for something, a little inkling in me will be wondering, "what if?" Or, because I know that even if things are black/white from my perspective, they become 'grayed' (if you will) by the opinion of others, nothing is really, black and white... or very little is.

Have we lost ourselves?

I think I'm still only beginning to realize how much this past summer has changed my life. Thinking back sometimes still almost brings me to tears, and when I try to remember what life was like before going to Japan... I simply cannot. At least, it is a struggle to.

I suppose sometime I should really try to write a my testimony from this summer. But how... how can I even begin to describe the impact that God has had on my life? This seems to be where all the words in the world would never be able to do it justice.

There just seems to be a large jumble of words; words like love, and family, and life...

One word in particular that I have come to really like is 'abandon'. (Now that I've typed it out it looks kind of funny.) But I think true, complete, utter abandon is something really, really beautiful. Because when you are completely abandoned for something, you are completely lost for that cause, for that purpose. Nothing else matters. It is this strange and eerie mix of desperation and satisfaction, selflessness and selfishness. Because we are desperate for that cause to be furthered, but satisfied because we are constantly, constantly pushing for more, giving our all. We no longer become people after our own desires, save for that which we consider everything else a loss for.

I think, over the summer, for the first time, I began to experience that and see that. You see, when you truly, truly abandon everything that you have for one thing that you desire, life becomes simple. Strangely, uncannily, wonderfully simple.

But there is such an intense struggle for this simplicity. Because there are so many and so many THINGS in this world that are biding for our attention. And I guess the ultimate goal is to be at a place where everything that we do becomes to the same end; to glorify God. Yet on the surface, this world has so much to offer, so much temporary pleasure and satisfaction, so much emotion, pain, struggle, joy... so much that seems so real. Things that make us feel alive, or feel warm and fuzzy inside. Things like school, our GPAs, relationships; ideas like the future and success.

So, let's not lose ourselves amidst these things. Even as we serve, let's not get caught up in seeing change or planning events or using every minute of the day. Let's not get blinded by the need to set a good example or our desire to fit a certain standard of stereotype of a leader, let's not get lost in the standards that society sets on us.

I pray that I will never forget the depth of my depravity that God has pulled me out of; that every day I will find myself in my Father, my Daddy... That I will remember, always remember, the cost that was paid for my life, and that I will not let myself be pulled back into the chaos of the world around us.

(untitled).

http://www.thegospelcoalition.org/

In strange contrast to my last post, there seems to be a strong movement in the online Christian community through blogs, messages and the like. And the above website seems to be another pretty sweet site. Check it out.

The internet and technology can do wonders in sharing ideas, blessings, struggles... maybe we'll start to see some real unity and movement within the Church. Maybe, God willing, the Church will start to rise up, and we'll start to see some real change...

Let's not complicate things too much. Among whatever ideas, struggles, blessings, intellectual breakthroughs we may have, let's keep Christ, the Gospel, at the center of our lives.


Oh yea. And make sure you watch until the end, for Piper's last bit. It's great, I promise.

(spoken) words & relationships? Or something?

I recently realized that sometimes I really struggle to verbalize my thoughts. Which kind of bothers me, because I generally like to think that I'm pretty good at explaining myself and communicating what I'm thinking to other people (verbally). Even before saying something, even if I mentally say to myself what I'm hoping to say, it never seems to come out the same once I start talking. I think part of it's because my mind is all over the place when I have a lot on it, so it's hard to really remember things I wanted to say.

I guess this is kinda why I like to write. Like maybe it helps me process things, even though I think for the most part I just write whatever comes to my mind. My writing tends to be relatively conversational; people have told me that they can hear my voice saying these words as I type them. Which I guess is kinda nice.

But let me just say, I love, love love love, straight up, raw, human, in-person interaction. Part of me always feels like writing, chatting, even to a point, talking on the phone, is not how we were really meant to relate to each other. And that there is something really special about the human voice that nothing else really has; something powerful and moving. Something, well, human.

I think we also tend to forget how powerful (and because of this, destructive) our words, our voices can be. Sometimes, the slightest compliment will simply make my day, or a little side comment will hurt for hours. And maybe it's because I'm sensitive, or people are insensitive, or something, but I'm sure this happens for everyone.

I don't really know how I got here and it doesn't really seem to relate, but...

For a little bit I forgot the value of personal relationships. I think this is a truth that we should all never forget; that true, true life transformation comes from relationships. In all shapes and sizes. Our relationship with God, with our peers, eventually our spouses, our parents; people make a difference to people. God wants a relationship with us; Christ had, has, a relationship with us. If we want to be Christ to people around us, if we want to love them, we need to have relationships with them (something that I think naturally comes out of love, among other things...)

And I think a big part of relationships is spending time with people. In person. Using words, and actions, and our voices, and our time, and... well, a lot of things. But words... man, sometimes words are full of life, full of humanness. Full of love even. Words are funny, because words in themselves seem to limit us in our expression; but our voices... our voices are limitless.

I feel like this should've been broken up into two posts, about the verbal words that we speak to each other and the inter-personal relationships that we have (and the value that I think they should have). But so is my struggle to clearly and concisely relay my thoughts, as is my laziness to break this up, edit it further and the like. But, there is some pretty cool link between our voices and how we interact with people. And I wish we could just go back to how we most naturally interact... without the paper, the ink, the monitor and electronics between us.

distracted

I think we like to blow up our problems a lot.

Some part of us deep down has an innate sense that life will always be a struggle, and so we trick ourselves into seeing little things that we're going through into big brick walls that need to be broken down. Of course, there is validity and a sense of humanness that comes from the occasional freaking-out, but really, if we completely trust God (which we should), then any struggle that comes is nothing to worry about.

Too often we forget Phillipians 4:6-7

6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I remember awhile back I wrote a post on how Jesus could have entrusted himself into the hands of man, knowing that we would crucify him and the like. And someone responded that, rather than trusting in man's failure, perhaps it was God's grace IN men that Jesus trusted (on top of simply being obedient to God and trusting in that, of course... wait, maybe it was just that. Blah.)

But I think this is the most challenging thing to me; trusting God's grace, God's sovereignty in and through others. Personally, I don't (think I) have a problem with trusting God's grace in my life and His sovereignty over me and the things that I go through. (This used to be more of an issue in regards to understanding/living through his forgiveness, but more later... maybe.) But really trusting God to work through all of the people around me? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Which basically means no.

And I believe part of the reason is that I like to blow other people's problems up bigger than they actually are, which I'm pretty sure we all do once in awhile. Because we see that someone is struggling with pride, and even if we're not, we see it as something working against us, not something that God can (and will) have His way with and use for His glory. Or we see that someone is young(er) in their faith, so they're not ready to serve to a certain capacity.

I'm not saying any personal issues that people, you, or I may have aren't legit, but it's just so, so easy to get stuck on those and have this desire to just fix them.

It's a fine line between ignoring problems vs. seeing them, understanding them, then turning to God, vs. getting stuck in our storms (and other people's storms) and being consumed by fixing and repairing. I simply think we tend to Jooho's late message seems fitting; we see our storms, then cry to Jesus to pull us out. He meets us where we are. He meets him, meets her, where they are. Can we all just make sure we cry to Jesus first? Everything, by prayer and petition... with thanksgiving...

Let us not only lift our own burdens and struggles, our anythings and everythings, to the Lord, but others' as well.

Priorities.

Somehow I have found myself in another spot where I am not quite sure what to place first in my life. Short of God being first, it seems I still have quite a way to really figure out what that means and put that into action in my life.

If you know me, I'm a "yes" guy. I have a hard time saying no to people, especially people that ask me for help. Something I've been working on for a long time is making sure that I have time for myself and that I don't over commit to things that I simply cannot commit to. Unfortunately, the more situations and scenarios that I put myself in, the more questions seem to arise. What is the "right" thing to do? This always seems to be the question. How much value should I really put into my school work? How much time should I put into my personal relationships, rather than those that I am involved with in clubs/activities/ministries? How much, basically, is enough? In fact, is anything enough?

Questions. A lot of questions that, for one reason or another, I seem to have settled with not knowing the answers to.

I am in the process of building a character that is in complete abandonment for the Gospel. For His Kingdom. But what does that MEAN? What does love mean? Oh, love. Love seems to simple... but for us, it can easily become so complex. Because we simply cannot love everything; fully loving even more than one person is probably difficult. I can love God; okay. He's everywhere and is with me all the time. But is it really capable to fully, fully love our neighbors? Our brothers and sisters?

Love... is full of action. And action seems to be what is often in question for my life. For the most part, I think that my heart and motives are in the right place; is that enough? I wish I had more time, more energy, more heart-space, more faith, to simply... love more people.

What actions, which people, which communities, come first? What is God calling me to do? What is more glorifying to Him? Will I ever really, truly completely live a selfless life?

Many seem to be quite lofty, yet strangely applicable, questions. Questions, questions, questions.

Movement.

God is moving.


But are we ready to move with Him? Are we ready to say, "yes"?


Micah 6:8 -

8 He has showed you, O man, what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God.

Struggle.

To be frank, the last few days at home have been kind of difficult. Difficult in different ways, but largely in remembering not to be self-centered and selfish. I didn't come home with the attitude that I would love my family, no matter the circumstance. I didn't walk into the house constantly asking God to give me strength and wisdom, to help me love my family.

I really wish I did.

Home is hard because of a few things. (And when I say home, I mean, more specifically, my physical house in Lexington.)

-My parents aren't Christian. In fact, their views on spirituality and religion are as far away from Christianity as they could be, and each in a completely different direction. This manifests itself in a lot of different ways, in different life-views, little living habits and actions.

-There are a lot of distractions. Mostly, computer games, on which I can tend to waste a lot of time on and lose sleep because of. Not that computer games in general are bad, but can definitely detract from my focus on God. Which, sometimes, there was not much of.

-My previous living habits at home were not the greatest. Prior to college, and even afterwards, I did not do a very good job loving my family. That has been something I have been working to change, and it seems like I didn't do a great job this week.


The thing is, this is a struggle that I will constantly, repeatedly face. I don't know why it's hard. I don't know why I can't just help them out in the little things that I help everyone else out. Like, the other day my mom asked me to take my sister for a bike ride, and I really didn't want to. But I had no reason to say no, except for, "I don't want to." If it were almost anyone else, I probably would have gone without thinking much about it. Twenty or thirty minutes out of a day isn't much, especially when all I was doing is sitting around anyways.

A lot of life seems to be a struggle. But I think what makes struggle worse, what Satan is probably pretty good at doing, is making us feel alone. Because a lot of times, especially when I was with my family, I felt very alone. Felt like, feels like, this struggle is something that has been placed on my shoulders and is my burden to carry. Like nobody else will really understand or know what it's like. Sometimes it feels hopeless. Like they are so lost in their own worlds that I cannot imagine their minds being opened to Christ's love, like I am so sinful that I will never be able to really love them.

And these are all just feelings. A lot of what I think and write about is just feelings. Because deep down, I know the truth. I know that God is capable of anything, and can soften even the hardest of hearts. I know that I cannot love on my own, but God's love and grace is so great that His love will allow me to love my parents. Nothing is impossible with God. Nothing.

I guess, herein seems to lie the struggle, you see. Because I know that nothing is impossible for God. Right? I've seen Him do crazy things, I've seen people's lives turn around, heard stories of miracles. So there is this deep, internal struggle, against what seems to be, the world. This struggle to be in the world, but not of the world. One of my favorite memory verses was Colossians 2:2-3; "Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God."

Maybe that does a better job of describing what I'm thinking. Things above vs. earthly things. Things that may seem like they don't have an immediate effect vs. things that have immediate payoff. Things that are unseen vs. things that are seen. Holiness vs. worldliness.

Sometimes, these earthly things get in the way of those things above. We let them get in the way. We forget to constantly, constantly look to the cross. To look to our Heavenly Father.

Let's not forget. Remind me not to forget.

Why can't (some things in) life be more simple?

I think we like to make things complicated. Or, we like to think that we are forced to make things complicated. But often they aren't.

Strangely, I found myself sitting in a car with two good friends listening to classical music earlier tonight. Since leaving home for college two years ago, my friends at home have changed a lot... some friendships, strangely, seemed to have strengthened, while others (very sadly) seemed to vanish. And I can't really tell you why, nor can I say that it's really possible to hold onto every relationship that I've had...

But even after months and months apart, most of what the three of us did was just sit there. We parked at the local field, turned the engine off, and just sat there. We talked here and there, but mostly just sat and listened to classical music together. It was not what I expected to be doing in my four days at home.

I think one thing that language does is it creates this medium that we think we need to interact through. Like we have to use words to get to know each other and have a good time, and we need words to express ourselves or tell people who we are. Maybe in part we do, but I know that largely in part, we don't.

Words are nice and all, but I'm starting to think more and more that they only give us barriers to hide and duck behind instead of showing our true selves. It's great to have nice, deeps talks with people, but maybe we need to learn to treasure the silences too.




[insert silence here.]

Summer.

Summers are weird.

In the past I've had a hard time transitioning from summers to school years and back. And from long winter breaks to school years as well. I think it kind of messes with my sense of reality; rather than time simply passing, it's more like I'm going from one world to another.

I used to always think similarly of weekends; that it was simply a break from reality. Like, weekends were there just to fool you into thinking that you have time to relax and do your own stuff, but once that Monday hits, you gotta hit the ground running, whether it be school or work or whatever. (I guess this varies depending on what you're doing at the present time, but you get the idea).

Often, in ways, when I think about Japan, it also seems like a different world. And in many ways it is, but in many ways, it isn't. And I'd like to think about the ways that it is.

Because mostly, what we did there, what I did there, might be a life-style that we should consider everywhere. In everything we did, the focus was clear: to do everything in our power to love people how God loved us. Every day we would wake up with prayer and worship, asking God to do mighty things each day, and every day we would end by thanking Him for everything that he is and everything that he's done. We took correction earnestly, we did everything we can to humble ourselves, to become servants every moment of the day.

And yet it seems like there are so many more barriers to this throughout the year. We go to school, we work, we have more obligations, our time is split up among different people, we become distracted... but through all of these things, our focus should be the same. Yet too often, it isn't. Too often, my summers, my retreats, my spiritual highs, become breaks from reality. I feel like they something along the lines of... bringing me back to reality, instead.

I think as humans, it's easy to leave things behind and settle into the patterns that we're used to. After "life-changing" experiences, we feel different; but we don't know how to bring that back to the "real world". I'm sure there are plenty of reasons for this. Maybe our idea of what our life will look like is so narrow minded that we cannot change how we live without changing how we view life itself. Because life goes beyond seasons, beyond ups and downs...

Hopefully I can really start stringing everything together.

Life is funny.

Thinking.

I think sometimes I idolize thinking.

I always want to have deep thoughts, want to be one step ahead of the game, feeling superior to others because I've thought through things more than them. Sometimes when I'm explaining something to you my voice gets a little higher and more nasal-y, and I'll say something like, "well, you can think of it that way, but..."

And it's about time I start letting that go. Not to say that it's bad to think or that it's wrong to go "deeper" into things (mentally), but I think a lot of life, and in particular, being Jesus' disciple, is doing. Micah 6:8 goes, "He has shown you oh man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."

Actions. Jesus showed love by his actions, his words; how he lived his life. Maybe beyond understand what it means to do these things; that is, to act justly, to love mercy, to walk humbly with God, is there much more we need to think about? Other than understanding and knowing what God has commanded us to do, does anything else really, really matter? God desires obedience.

For awhile, I was struggling with considering myself being satisfied with the convictions that I had from Japan. I really thought there was a lot that I was missing, things that I had let pass me by. I think it was kind of like that feeling that you get when you're about to leave on a trip, and no matter how many times you double, triple, quadruple check, you always feel like you're forgetting something. It was, and still sort of is, like that.

And I guess it's a struggle I'll still be having, because I'm sure I haven't completely gotten everything "out of it" as I could've, and it will take a long time for me to. But even if I had completely failed on the missions trip, if I had come back and forgotten everything, if I hadn't pulled out everything that I can... God loves me the same. And He loves you the same too.

So if the biggest thing I come out from this trip is a drive to take action, I think I'm okay with that. For awhile, I've been doing too much thinking, too much second guessing, too much waiting. God calls us to action. The Great Commission itself, is a call to action; "go forth".

Action.


(Disclaimer: To further clarify, thinking in itself is no bad. However, I think (har har) that a lack of action is no good. Rather, to value thinking over simply obeying God's commands, such as loving God, loving our neighbor as ourself, laying our lives down for each other, is something to be weary of, and something that I probably do more often than not, or come dangerously close to.)

(and that was a really long, run-on sentence. But I'm okay with that.)

Kami no kazoku.

Thank you for everyone who supported me through the trip. I know a lot of you did, specifically through prayer, and it was much appreciated. Though I didn't update much later in the trip, I think my prayers often remained the same, only shifting to different people... which I guess I could've updated, but didn't. Oh well. So yea, huge, huge thanks to people that prayed for me... it was definitely felt on the field and appreciated.

And the beginning of (what probably should be, but I might be too lazy to write all of) many posts in regards to our trip to Japan.

If there had to be a "big idea" or "theme" that I personally had for the trip, it might be something like, "God's family" (kami no kazoku).

In a lot of ways I felt, and saw in action, God's family, while in Japan. Allow me to give one example for now.

Me and Maria taught three full English classes (each spanning one week) and then one last class of Dave's that we had to cover for him. We had two adult beginner classes and one older elementary school class. In our second week of adult beginner, our class consisted of roughly seven or eight elderly women (60+ years old, in my opinion) that weren't Christians, and one elderly woman of similar age who was simply on fire for God. On fire like, I've never seen anyone even close to her age so aggressive about sharing the Gospel. Unfortunately I don't remember her name (and never really knew... sadly), so we'll just call her AL, short for "awesome lady".

From the makeup of our class and the nature of our trip, you can already tell there would be some interesting interactions. Our first effort to sneak the Gospel into class was on the second day, when their homework assignment for the next day was to write about their favorite hobby. I gave them an example, which for me, was playing guitar. But why did I like playing guitar so much? Because it let me worship God in my own way, of course. And worshipping God and praying to Him is something I love to do.

Not only have I never met anyone as old as AL who's on fire for God like she was, but neither have I ever seen anyone like AL smile as big as she did once I said this. I'm positive that she didn't understand much either; I think all she got might've been "God" and "pray", but that was enough for her to know what I was trying to do and for her to know we were on the same page.

She then invited our class to stay for lunch the next two days, and told Maria and I that we would be praying for the food. (Maria is pretty decent at Japanese, so when AL explained this to her Maria put together the pieces and figured that's what would be happening). And over the course of the rest of our time together, Maria, AL and I continually shared mini-testimonies and invited our class out to different church events that we had planned, including the weekly Sunday Service. At one point, AL pointed out that even though she had been single for nine years (her husband passed away), she was never lonely, because she had her relationship with God, and that was enough for her.


So there it is. AL, a early-60s, non-English speaking, Japanese woman, and two American NYU students, working together for the Kingdom of God. Across cultures, age differences, languages, our hearts were linked by the love of Christ that was so apparent in AL's life, and I pray was equally apparent in ours.

In this, I believe I saw a good piece of what unity in Christ really means and looks like. We had nothing, absolutely nothing, in common, except for the grace of God exhibited in our lives.


There were a lot of other ways I was blessed, and a lot of other ways I got to see and witness God's love through and in these people. But I think that's all for now.

Japan, Day 11

A lot has happened in the past six days. The relationships we've formed with the people in the church and surrounding community have undoubtedly strengthened, but much of it has opened our eyes to see the problems and things that Satan has placed that distract people from knowing God. It would seem as though He's done a pretty good job of creating a culture that is not naturally open to Christianity.

Often, my prayers become more and more simply as our time here shortens: that the love of God would be displayed and realized through our team, and that this love would in turn impact and transform the community here, both in and outside the church. If only God would powerfully meet with this church, His love would be so undeniable that people would turn to Him and give their lives to the Lord. We want to see God move. And God is love.

Beyond this, all prayers go towards various individuals and situations that we have witnessed and heard of. In the end, it's all about people's hearts softening to God and them being moved to respond to it.

And yet, though all these things seem to exist, these struggles and pains, God has already undoubtedly moved in the lives of many people here; we just want to see more.

Guess that's all for now. God is good, all the time.

Japan, Day 5

The time between last post and right now has been pretty good.

I'm not always too eloquent with words and I have a hard time condensing my thoughts. So I'm just going to link to Steve's post from the other day, which I think is a really good summary of what we're praying for and what would be amazing to see. Here it is:

http://tigerbot0.blogspot.com/2008/07/heart.html

I pray that we will continue to press on and that God's glory would be known in this place. Everything else will come after we are touched by God; transformation will come if God is present. And each day we pray that He will make himself known in deeper, more intimate ways than we have ever dreamed of. And we will never, ever grow tired of it.

Probably gonna take it easier on writing these posts for the next few days. Peace.

Japan Day 4

Today we started English classes. I'm teaching 4th, 5th and 6th grade, and we had four students in our class; Asato, Minori, Makato and Yuuto.

Class was alright. It was really hard to get me and Maria's four students involved. I think we need to shift our lessons to focus less on teaching english and think more about just having fun and enjoying ourselves; english can be on the side. Hopefully try to mix some like, children's worship songs or something in there too, but who knows...

Every morning we spend about 90 minutes together spending time in prayer and worship. Two high-school kids, Nozumo (or Non-chan) and Akira joined us! It was really encouraging to see them come and to get the chance to pray/worship with them. Bommy and Maria tried to translate them, and we tried to stick to songs that were really simple or that we had translations for. They seem to really enjoy having us around and take a good amount of time to hang out with us. Akira just started coming to church last year too, and he seems to be pretty involved with the community here. Pretty awesome.

This morning I prayed that God would continue to remind me of His love for me, and that my response would be to love God above all else, and love those around me. That this love would go beyond words and actions and would be unconditional, uncompromising... And that the people of Japan would see this love and understand the depth of God's love for them.

Today we're going to be handing out fliers for our outreach on Thursday in Toyohashi City, which will then lead to our worship night on Saturday. I pray that God will move through these things... that He will speak through us, love through us, use us to absurd measures for His glory. I also pray that how our team can love and serve each other would be a testimony to God's grace.

All in all, this trip has been an incredible blessing so far, in being able to see how God has been working here at THCC. And it has also been eye opening to see where there are needs and meet all different kinds of people who are desperately in need of God, and might not even know it.

And, still an overload of... everything. Okbye.

Japan, Day 3

Today is our third day in Japan. We arrived Saturday night, and had a jam packed day Sunday, going to three different services at the church here (Toyohashi Hosanna Christ Church or THCC), had lunch with the members, then spent the rest of the day meeting people at the church and giving them an opportunity to get to know us.

It has already been quite a rewarding experience, to say the least. The church here isn't in as bad of a shape as people have seemed to make it out to be, but from talking to one of the pastors and a local missionary, things have changed a lot in the past year. Talking to the church members has been an incredible encouragement as well. Many of the middle-aged members grew up in Shinto or Buddhist households, and met Christ many years ago, and are now faithful members of the church and disciples of Jesus.

But from hearing their testimonies, I have also heard firsthand the problem that we were previously informed of; there are very few new, younger Christians. Most came to Christ many years ago, between 15 and 20 years in the past. There is a desire to see more growth, but not a whole lot has happened until this past year. The few people that grew up in church often leave in high-school because their studies take too much time, or fail to continue in their faith as they go to college.

However, the people involved in the church here seem to be pretty dedicated to their faith and to serving at THCC. This dedication and hope to see more happen in itself has been very encouraging, given their circumstances.

Though there does seem to be this strong sense of community within the church and dedication to the body, it has been mentioned that we're not quite sure if everyone here is fully aware of what is going on. That we are in the midst of a spiritual battle, a constant struggle against "the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms," among many things.

There is a desire for more, but I am afraid that it might be easy for them to settle into what they now know and are familiar in Christ. I pray that we'll be able to push them to push for more in what we do. Of course, it's easy for anyone to just be happy with where they are, but it seems to be so much easier in this culture. A lot is swept under the rug, but things leak through here and there. It is not uncommon for people to die from working too hard at their job; they even have a special word for the act itself. Often, the choice must be made between work and family/friends; there is no in between.

I cannot help but feel that there is a constant darkness watching over this place.


Today we prayed for God's glory and kingdom to come into Japan, into Toyohashi, into the hearts of the people here. That the walls around people's hearts would come down, that we would see revival, renewal, a new generation risen up that is living for the Lord.

I prayed that love would fill our hearts and overflow into all of the hears here in Toyohashi.

There is an overflow of thoughts and feelings running through me, and most likely will be for the rest of the trip. I pray that God will constantly be on my mind and on my heart, that I will continually be praying for those I interact with and build relationships with. The Christ would be glorified in all that I do.

Much more is to come. God is undoubtedly doing something here. Please pray that more will be revealed and that our team and the people here would respond to His call without hesitation. And that His love would be what drives me to love my brothers and sisters, fully, unconditionally.

Time for dinner. Bye

(more on) my (biological) father.

My dad told me something along the lines of this: religion cannot advance. When religious people try to reinvent themselves, they have to break from their previous groups/associations and start a new religion; it is not something that is changing and/or cannot be reinvented. He claimed that science, the superior path, was something that was constantly evolving and advancing itself. That it was constantly being put to the test and being recreated, that it is constantly progressing, moving forward.

He also stated that science was the antithesis of religion.

It seems like we often have this misconception of what religion is. What faith is. What spirituality is. A lot of times it seems like a lofty idea that is unreachable without breaking the lines of logic and some sense of absolute truth. I think that's where he was coming from. That there was simply not enough proof towards the existence of a God.

There's a lot I could say about this. I could talk about how science is not advancing, nor has the ability to advance, any more than Christianity does (I can't speak for religion as a whole because I'm not really familiar with other faiths). I would bring up the point that though you could argue that there is a finite set of words and such in the Bible, there is also a finite amount to be learned/discovered about science. I could say that science actually argues for the existence of God, not against it. I could say that macro-evolution is only a theory, even though micro-evolution has been proven. I could expand on the argument against religion/the existence of God as a whole and then make efforts to refute each one of those points. I might do a good job, but I could try.

And we might be able to learn a lot from hearing each side of the argument, each push and pull.

But I think I will hold back on expounding on those points for now. Whether or not my father would ever realize those things, I think what's more pressing than debating with him is breaking this characteristic of his: that he does not even give God a chance. (Whether he sees God as synonymous to religion, I do not know. He might not. In which case, he does not even give religion a chance.) He's completely ruled out the possibility of a set of truths that is different from what he believes. He laughs at any thought that religion is something to be considered as truth.

How amazing it would be if one day he would come to realize the overwhelming power and truth of the Gospel. How much would God be glorified if my dad, after being so set in his ways, so convinced of his own truths, would humble himself and accept Jesus as his Lord and Savior. That one day, he might be able to look back, and wonder, "how could I have been so blind?" How then, would we see the power and grace of God in another sinful man...

I am praying for that day.

PS. What seems more odd to me is that my dad's totally cool with me being fully convinced of something that (in his eyes) is completely false. Interesting.

Missions.

I will be leaving for Japan this Friday on an 11:15AM flight, final destination Toyohashi, Japan. We will be serving the people in Toyohashi and the surrounding area by teaching English for two weeks, helping out in street evangelism by playing songs / worshiping in the streets, hosting a worship night, performing skits, a body worship, trying to build relationships with the youth there in hopes of empowering them to take ownership of their faith, helping out at a 5-day retreat doing who knows what...

And all this to spread the love of Christ. It looks like it could be pretty easy to get caught up in all of that, but when everything is stripped away, that's all that matters really.

I hope that my life will come to model this truth that I so easily forget. Seems like that's been the theme these past few weeks.

I'm not sure if I'll have the time and/or energy to put a post up here before I leave, so in the case that I don't, if you read this blog, please, please, please pray for me. I do believe I'll have internet access there on and off, so I'm going to try to post things up here when I get the chance. I hope to write a lot, whether on a computer, this site, or a journal; I'm sure God will do some really crazy things.


On a random side note, it's really frustrating when I think of something really great to write about during the day and then forget about it later (like, right now). Or, when I remember it, but just can't shake that feeling that there was something big about that topic that I can't remember now, but thought of previously. D'oh.

boldness, part II

While sitting in Union Square tonight, I spent about 15-30 minutes listening to someone preach the Gospel in the middle of the square. He had a microphone in hand with a Bible in the other, with a small hexagon of tape around him on the ground. Some people were sitting on the steps, some listening, some not. Some people seemed annoyed, others seemed angered.

He was approached by various people, posing different questions or setting arguments against what he was preaching. A few even stood in front of him, similarly pacing back and forth, proclaiming their own beliefs in an effort to drown out his.

I've seen all kinds of street evangelism. I've seen bands playing on a corner in K-town, people with huge signs saying that we're all going to hell if we don't repent, people handing out pamphlets with steps to knowing God. Maybe it was because this was the first time I sat down to listen to one of these people trying to share the Gospel in public, but by the time I got up to leave, for the first time, I was tremendously encouraged by what he was doing.

Can you imagine what it's like? To put yourself out there on the streets of New York City, where the last thing anyone wants you to tell them is what they should believe? To know that you'll probably get yelled at? Asked questions that you might not have the answer to? To be honest, I was probably more scared for him than he was for himself. But I think he had gotten to the point where the message of the cross had settled so deep into his heart that he fully understood the desperation that we all should have in sharing the Gospel. And he put that desperation, that urgency, into action. In a very bold way.

Maybe this is the confidence/boldness/urgency that we should all have; whether or not it comes out in us preaching the Gospel on the streets of NYC is another story. But if we really believe in the Gospel, shouldn't we be desperate to see it spread?

I think I need to become more desperate to see God move in the people, city, community, around me. Because if this is life and death, than I should want everyone to have eternal life. And I do. Not only because Jesus commanded us to, but because it is a pretty amazing thing to have.

But maybe, right now, I don't want it bad enough. Or I just don't know where to start.


This was a jumbled up post. I mostly wanted to give props to random-street-evangelism-man and point out that I have a fair amount of growing to do in this area.


PS. I need to stop worrying about how my posts sound. Or look like. Or... do I?

Foolishness.

Over the July 4th weekend I got to talk to both of my parents about my faith in different ways. In many ways it was God answering my prayer to be more bold about my faith, especially in ways that I haven't been. But sadly, after talking (particularly to my dad, which was more of me asking him about what he thought and just trying to start a very long conversation about spirituality/religion/Christianity,) to my parents, I further understood how much of the world really thinks about both religion overall and Christianity.

1 Corinthians 1:18 says "For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God."

And after me telling my mother the message of the Gospel, and hearing my father talk about why he walked away from Christianity, from God... I felt pretty useless. Not hopeless, but useless; and this passage says it pretty clearly. Why would someone believe in something that is foolishness to them?? FOOLISHNESS!!! That's like someone coming up and telling me that cows can fly. Just plain silly. Imagine that. The only truth, the only grace that can save us, the message of the cross itself, is foolishness to the rest of the world.

Only God can change the heart of my parents, or anyone who do not know the true love of God. I can argue with them, reason, give them books, tell them how much God loves them, that He would send his ONLY son to die for us... and it would do nothing if the Holy Spirit did not move in their hearts.

There are a lot of people who are in desperate need of Jesus and have absolutely NO idea. The thought itself seems silly.

I pray for boldness not just in sharing the Gospel, but in loving. Radical, unsettling, unstoppable, love. Love that people would see comes from something that is not from me. And I pray that God will soften our hearts to His love, His sacrifice, His Son... because even if the world thinks that it's just a tease, it is so, so, so, so much greater than anything we could dream of. Anything.


edit/addition: even better...
1 Corinthians 1:25 - "For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength."
crazy.

...they prayed for boldness

Acts 4:29-31

..."And now, Lord, look upon their threats and grant to your servants to continue to speak your word with all boldness, while you stretch out your hand to heal, and signs and wonders are performed through the name of your holy servant Jesus." And when they had prayed, the place in which they were gathered together was shaken, and they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and continued to speak the word of God with boldness.

I think the passage speaks for itself... Now added to my many prayers, is boldness.

Funny enough, it turns out the Hopi missions team (where I went the past two years) did their devotional on Acts 4:23-31 this morning, their first day on the field.

In 11 days, I will be on an airplane to Toyohashi, Japan, for 23 days.

overload.

Currently in one of those times where I feel like I have so much to write/write about, but do not know where to begin. Maybe I will try tomorrow.

Renovation.

More often than not, it takes awhile for people to change. We gradually learn from experiences, take in words of advice from people... but it all takes time to process, to really settle in and set in our hearts.

But I think that when God really wants to, He changes us pretty quickly. Over the past few days He has completely refreshed me, and completely changed my perspective on life.

That said, I am worried that my convictions and the things God spoke to me will be forgotten in a few months. Or a year. Or maybe weeks. It's like that spiritual high that so often comes with retreats and conferences, and that so often fades away as we settle into our worldly lives that we were living before said spiritual high. So there's this fine line between our emotions being stirred by an encounter with God and our hearts being transformed by it.

And I don't want to forget. God made some major changes in my heart that I sincerely pray will continue throughout my entire life. (What all of these changes are might come in later posts, and they might not; a good amount was written in the previous though, I think. Or you can ask me.)

It seems that we so easily go back into the patterns and schedules that we're used to and comfortable with. I wish it wasn't so easy to settle; I don't want to settle.

God is sovereign. Let's start living.

I don't think I can really grasp the sovereignty of God. At least, it's really hard to. And I think that most of us don't. It's one of those core, core things to Christianity that we often pass over, but if truly understood, would radically change our lives. My life.

God is sovereign over everything. He is in control. His judgment is sovereign and final; the grace and forgiveness that He gives us is absolute. His love is absolute, unchanging.

Over the conference this weekend (AMI Revolution) , Dr. Steve, a missionary in Kenya, gave two messages concerning God's sovereignty. He brought up the point that we tend to stop putting God in the picture when other people get involved. He used the analogy that if we're walking along a beach, and a coconut falls on our head, we are pretty likely to see that as an act of God. But if someone throws the coconut at us and it donks us on the head, it's just a random guy throwing a coconut as us.

It's also hard to understand God's sovereignty over the context of time. In the book of Esther, God spent her entire life, her entire upbringing; years and years, to prepare her and put her in the position to do great things for God. If I really believe in God's sovereignty, do I believe that He's been working behind the scenes for my entire life, for a time such as this? Or, that I am still being prepared to do great things for God?

Over the weekend, my faith has taken huge leaps in these two areas. And with this in mind, I think I'm ready to finally give over everything to God, piece by piece. Though I have been over the years, I think it's about to pick up. How can anybody not? God has constantly been working in our lives, whether we know it or not; He has been planning amazing things for us, but we are blind to it. We chose comfort over discomfort, take the easy, cookie-cutter way through life, rather than choosing to live radically for the biggest, most powerful, most loving, compassionate person we've ever met. How can we NOT respond by giving our entire lives?

I think a large reason that I became a Christian is because life is pointless without it. There is no purpose. We simply exist, live a life, meet some people, lose some friends, and then die. But you see, God has a plan for my life. I'm not meant to let the world pass me by, but I, we, are meant to live a life that is radically different from the rest of the world, we are meant to be part of God's infinitely large redemptive plan. He has given me a purpose; what specifically that is, I have yet to discover. I simply know that I will lead a life of worship. No matter what I do, it will be in worship to God.

God is sovereign. His plan will be done no matter what, with or without us. Do I want to be a footnote in God's salvation history, or do I want to be a main player? I hope to be a main player, but of course, I only could according to God's will. No matter what His plan to me, I want to be able to live life knowing that I did everything in my power to worship God, by loving Him and loving my neighbors.

(Of course, with all this in mind, there is a constant paradox and struggle to grasp God's sovereignty in relation to us having free will; though God has a master plan for everything, we are still able to make our own choices, to some extent.)

Let's go God. Greater things have yet to come, greater things are still to be done...

Release.

There's a lot that I hold on to. Most of the time I'm in denial about it though. Most of the time I'm pretty good at telling myself that I'm not holding on to things. Like school, for example. I can usually convince myself that I'm okay if I don't do well enough to deem myself as a "successful student". But when finals and such come along, all of that falls apart; I become anxious about my grades and how well I do compared to other people in my class.

I've recently realized that I need to let go of these things. God has revealed a lot to me at AMI Revolution, and I need to adjust my life accordingly. Check later posts for more. Many, many thoughts running through my head. This past weekend was an incredible blessing in so many ways.

In His hands.

There seems to be this constant paradigm between us lifting up things to God and being good stewards of what He has given us. While I know I need to let God take full control of my life, I also must be a good steward of the things that I have been entrusted with (what those things are is up for debate, though could arguably be a lot).

It seems as though God is trying to get at (as usual) the heart of things, of me. I need to be ready to lose everything or gain everything, but whatever happens, it has to be for His glory. Rather than thinking like, "I need to DO this because it is for God's glory," I should be thinking, "God has given me this for His glory." It's not my action or what I do that I should be focused on, but what God is already doing, and what God has done.

And it's exactly that. It's not what happens and what doesn't happen, it's where our hearts are. Where my heart is.

And I always seem to have this daunting self-doubt as to where my heart is. Because I know where it should be, and though I often think that it's there, I am so convinced of my sin that I find it hard to believe that it is where I think it is. (Wow, that sentence sounds confusing.) And maybe that's because I'm more convinced of my sin than God's grace. It's easier for me to believe how utterly I have failed than how overpowering God's love is.

My prayers, among many:

Psalm 139:23-24 - "Search me, oh God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there be any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."

Psalm 73:25-26 - "Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

Philippians 3:8 - "What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ"


Feeling like I have more to say but I'm not sure how. Oh well.

Losing myself, in bringing You praise...

My friend, who recently told me he's in "a rut", asked me to pray for one thing: that the lyrics of that song, "From the Inside Out", would become truth to him. That he would lose himself in order to bring glory to God; that as he went on missions, as he lived his life, he wouldn't look at himself, what he wanted, or what he thought was right, but would look to God first and foremost for everything.

Another friend made a xanga post sharing a similar struggle.

It is so, so easy to become caught up in ourselves. And I have a strong conviction that even when we think we're being selfless, we're actually being selfish. That more often than not, we are not actually being selfless; but we are being selfishly selfless. Putting others first because we think WE should be the ones serving them, or because we want to be the one receiving glory for helping others.

Similarly, I think it's very easy to be pridefully humble. "Oh, look at me! I'm so humble. That means I'm better than you." Even though I denied it, I think I often used to feel like this; that I was better than you, because I was selfless AND humble. What now! (kidding. well, that last part.)

To be honest, I think I see this in a lot of people. But it's hard to understand our true motives sometimes, since our thoughts and actions have (what seems to be) an infinite number of emotions behind who we are as human beings. Which is perfectly fine. But as with many things, I feel like we should be more aware of our faults and humble ourselves enough to admit these mistakes. It's easy for us to know what we're supposed to do and how we're supposed to think, but it's so easy to act that way simply because we are "supposed" to, not because it is out of a genuine love for God and his people. So let's take another look.

Tired. So that's all for now.

Walls.

Every now and then I get this undeniable feeling of loneliness. It makes me a little sad sometimes, and other times I just feel plain detached from the world, feel like there's something more between all of us that we're just struggling to reach for.

I think I feel like this because to a certain extent it's true. It's true in that, you and I will never really know each other, and always have the potential to be separated, whether by time or location, or by emotion... No matter how much we talk, how much time we spend together, there are parts of me that you will not know or understand. There are thoughts and feelings that I will not be able to express with words. Maybe through art, or music, or some sort of free-form expression, I will be able to get it out of myself, but it will be transformed and contorted in your eyes.

What's good about feeling like this every now and then (I think?) is that it makes me realize how unique my relationship with God is. I mean, He knows us, in and out. Better yet, He knows ME. That's pretty amazing. And not only does he know me like and intimate friend, but he is with me, always. No time, no place, no SIN, can come between us, because of Jesus Christ.

And sometimes I wonder if this is a way that we can more intimately know each other. Not that we are united in a cause, or that we share this thing in common, but because we share a relationship with a God that intimately knows all of us. If we align our hearts with God's heart, then we are aligned with each other's hearts. Beautiful.

Maybe it is my sin that keeps me feeling this way. Or our sin. Sometimes I get caught up in my inabilities, in ways that I've failed, in little things in which I feel like I am not enough. There's this weird tension in my mind between my sin and God's forgiveness. It's easy for me to move on, knowing that I am forgiven and made righteous through Jesus Christ. But now and then, these walls come up; I become discouraged, feel alone. Neither of which I should feel, because 1. We have already won the victory over death and over sin, and 2. I am not alone, because God is with me, and my brothers/sisters in Christ are with me. I guess I'm going through this process of solidifying those in my heart, and letting God and God alone satisfy me.

But still, I pray that God will break down these walls that separate our hearts, that keep parts of us apart from each other, apart from Him.

Maybe I just need to learn how to love and how to let myself be loved. To understand and live out the fact that, even though I am a dirty, sinful man, God's love enables me to fully and passionately love those around me, and that God dearly, dearly loves me, enabling others to do the same to me. Amen.

Loving

I remember earlier this year during one of the first small group meetings of second semester, we each discussed what some of our goals were for the upcoming months. A friend's biggest goal for the semester was to learn how to love people... and to be honest, I was a little upset that I didn't think of it for myself. That it didn't come across my mind that I had done a poor job loving people and needed to work on it.

I guess with writing and... just thinking in general, it's easy to make things complicated or add little nuances to things that don't really need them. What's harder, but at times, more effective, is learning to simplify things. I need to work on that.

Though thinking about things is not inherently a bad thing, it can definitely be overdone, and can be a distraction from the heart of the issues that we're thinking about. When it comes down to it, I really need to learn what it means, and how to, love people. Which can be really hard; because people frustrate me, or I feel like people misinterpret things that I mean well with, or jump to assumptions. Sometimes it's like life, and dealing with people, is a constant battle. Trying to prove myself, to make sure that they don't get the wrong impression, to make sure that they aren't hurt accidentally by my facial expressions that (apparently) seem to look negative a good amount of the time (even though they aren't meant to be). I'm usually pretty good with not letting that get to me, but lately it's been creeping up on me. So, until I fully understand and am able to live by and through God's love, that needs to be my focus.

So keep reminding me. Simply, love.

Worth.

I have a hard time taking correction. There's this constant struggle in my heart between what I know is right and what my sinful nature wants to do; to yell at someone for doing something I thought was inconsiderate as opposed to being patient with them, or my laziness overcoming any sort of diligence that I have.

It's also really easy for me to get caught up in my inabilities. Part of me feels very incapable of anything, while part of my feels more capable than anyone else. Like my pride is constantly battling my realization that I am a sinful man.

I'm trying to learn what it means to let God be enough for me. I know that He is everything that I could ever want or ever need, and more... and I know that things of this world will fade away, that what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. But I like things around here (sometimes). There is a very delicate (or a lot of tension) between the ideas that 1. Our lives are very valuable (because God values us), and 2. We are nothing (without God).

For some reason it's really easy for me to think that I am worthless. I think it's because for awhile I put my self-worth in people. I've been trying to break out of it, and I think that a good part of me has... but still, part of me hasn't. The struggle has changed from my friends to the people that I "serve". Or serve with.

No matter what I do, or any of us do, we can never make God love us any more or less than He does now. And that's pretty amazing. For some reason it's taking a long time to sink into my heart. To know that we are dearly loved by someone so much bigger than us should make us understand how greatly we are each valued. But for some reason, it's taking awhile to sink deep into my heart.

Better yet, if I am worth a lot to God, then all of us are. If God values them, even those people that I judge, then why shouldn't I? If God loves them, why shouldn't I? Why shouldn't we?

Sunday Christians and Someday Christians.

There are a lot of people who profess to believe in Christ, but lead lives that don't really reflect it. Let's again look at the extreme nature of everything in the Bible. 1 Corinthians 10:31 reads, "Whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God."

I'm not sure how to eat or drink and do it for the glory of God. But somehow we're supposed to. And beyond that, anything else we do is supposed to be for the glory of God.

I think a lot of people like leading multiple lives. Being a Christian just on Sundays when we go to church, or putting on a different person for work to get paid more or get that promotion, sucking up to our professors to see if they'll bump up our grade for no real good reason.

Maybe we're just really good at lying to ourselves. We always want the best of both (or every) world, whether it's in school, with friends, with God, with work. We like to put our lives into little compartments.

And maybe in general, this isn't so bad... but if you profess your faith in Jesus Christ, it's a pretty serious problem. And I think we're all guilty of it. It's not that we're only Christians on Sundays; it's that we're only Christians during church-related events. Because of my involvement with my church, I spend a lot of times doing "ministry" things; small group, worship team practice, planning small group, "meeting up" with people for, and in, small group. And because five or six days of the week involve some sort of titled ministry activity, it's easy to think that I'm living my life for Christ. But to be honest, I think it's a pretty poor measure of how much I, or anyone, is committed to Christ.

It might be more of a measure of how committed we are to our church, or to people, or to this idea of serving others, but without Christ at the core of all of these things, they're kind of meaningless. And if Christ is at the center of these things, at the center of your entire life, then these titles are actually no measure at all of your dedication to a life spent chasing after God. Maybe we need to take a second look at our lives and really see what we're living for.

I think it's pretty rare to see someone that is actually doing everything for the glory of God. Though it's something we will undoubtedly always need to work on, we should be more aware of how far away we are from fully giving ourselves to Christ.

Pride.

(I guess I'm starting to like having one-word titles for my posts. It makes me feel cool.)

Pride was the downfall of Lucifer. Or Satan.

I think it's a lot of people's downfalls, and even worse, I feel like we're all in denial about it. Especially Christians. It's really easy for us to think we're better than people, often because it makes us feel better about ourselves. It's like winning a video game or being good at basketball. You have something people don't.

During missions training a few days ago, Pastor Carl was talking about someone... I completely forget who, but said something like, "What the world needs is a religion or set of beliefs that humbles its believers." I'm pretty sure that Christianity is supposed to do that, but a lot of times we forget that. We forget that we are completely, utterly ridden with sin, that we are in absolute need of a God who will reach down to us, that was are undoubtedly incapable of earning our own salvation.


John 15:5 reads, "I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." Unfortunately, it's extremely easy for us to take the word "nothing" lightly. But let's think about it for just one extra second instead of passing it by; apart from Jesus, we can do NOTHING. Nothing. Even if you take this as not literally meaning nothing (which some of you may), it's a pretty extreme word. Zero. We can't breathe, can't walk, can't talk, can't even live day to day without Jesus. Whether we know that or not (believer or not?), it's true.

And this seems like it should be pretty humbling in itself. Of course there are other reasons why we should be humbled; we are to follow in the footsteps of Jesus, who utterly humbled himself, and in the end, gave himself into the hands of man in order that we would be saved.

In reference to the previous post, maybe humility is somehow linked to trust. Trust in others. Better yet, trust in God. If we understand, fully believe and accept that we are capable of nothing, then there is a LOT more space for God to do many things in our lives.

A friend once told me that he/she was told that they were too prideful to the point where it was keeping them from really experiencing God. And when you think about it, it makes sense. If we learn what true humility is, and live with this in our hearts, there is so much space for things that are really great. Like, for example, love. I don't think love can be very prideful, if at all. I think love is what happens when you put someone else's needs entirely before your own. Pride tends to work the other way, always putting ourselves in the center of the picture.

So take a look at your life. Where are you prideful? Do you think you are more righteous than someone else? That you're better than others because you pray more? Even more than not being able to do anything apart from God, Jesus says that "the greatest among you will be your servant" (Matthew 23:11). The last time I checked, it didn't take a whole lot to be a servant. Servants usually do daily chores. Things that anyone can do, but nobody really wants to. It's also pretty easy to say that we're serving people through our gifts; which is perfectly fine, if your hearts in the right place. And a good way to check might be trying to do something that requires zero skill. Maybe.

I think if you take the time to pray against your own pride and ask God to utterly take control of your life, you will experience true transformation. You'll change how you act, how you speak, the every action that you take. Maybe you won't crack the same jokes, because you'll realize you're doing it for attention, because you think you're funnier than everyone else. Or you'll realize that everything you thought you earned was really given to you, for no reason that you can claim as your own doing.

And do pray. I feel like praying is God's ultimate way of humbling us; it's how we can say, "God, I can't do this, I need your help. I need you to transform my heart, because I can't do it myself, and nobody around me can do it either. I need You."

(Though there is much more to be said about this issue, let's just leave it at this for now.)

Trust.

Sometimes I have a really hard time trusting people. I think there are various reasons for this, but unfortunately I think it's been something that has been growing lately. Over a year ago I realized that I was starting to stop 'believing in people', which I think means something similar to not trusting people.

I'm not sure how I feel about this. Not trusting people makes it hard to be vulnerable, which often is a good thing, and can lead to a lot of good things... although it can lead to bad things too. Like lots of hurt and pain. But I just don't know how much we're supposed to trust people. Or, how much I'm "supposed" to trust people. Like, God calls us to love our neighbor as ourselves... but how much do we have to trust people to love them?

I'm trying to figure out whether God trusted us. But even if he did, it doesn't really make a huge difference because... after all, he's sovereign and all, so he can do whatever he wants. From today's Utmost for His Highest:

"God came as a baby, giving and entrusting Himself to me. He expects my personal life to be a "Bethlehem." Am I allowing my natural life to be slowly transformed by the indwelling life of the Son of God? God’s ultimate purpose is that His Son might be exhibited in me."

It's like, God trusted us, and... also trusted that we would fail? (like, we crucified Jesus, we fail to follow Him, we continue to sin, etc.)

It seems quite the predicament... So I'm supposed to trust in people, even though I know people will fail. But there's that question of, what to expect... maybe "trust" and "expect" aren't really the best words to use. Maybe we're supposed to be "open" to people, to let people into our lives in hopes of experiencing part of what God has done in our lives... to share that love.

I guess the only thing to expect is to be broken. Sort of like Jesus. If God is love, then love is bringing yourself from 100% to 0%, putting yourself through torture, humility, loneliness, while expecting almost nothing in return. That's a pretty hard life to lead. Are we supposed to trust that we will get burned by the people around us? To expect to be broken, to be alone? Part of me feels like we are... and I don't know if I really want to do that. Well, I do. I don't know if I'm ready.

Going nowhere fast

I don't like the feeling of being stuck. I also don't like thinking that I'm making "progress" when in fact I am not; I think this is an illusion that a lot of society buys into. Actually, I think we could safely say that everyone buys into, at one point or another. Take video games for example. Role Playing Games (RPGs) are often rewarding because they make the player feel accomplished; your character levels up, you get stronger, you can defeat more monsters, etc.

Actually I was about to list a bunch of other examples, but realized that a lot depends on what we see as "progress". Or, better yet, how do we decide whether things are worthwhile or not? What is the difference between a worthy investment and an unworthy investment? A lot of times it comes down to one of two things: money or people. Money puts food on the table, and people make life worth living. If this life is all we've got (it isn't, but a lot of people think it is), then those are probably the two most important things we could have, since they probably last the longest and can give the most emotional satisfaction.

Christian or not, I think this is really a question we should all be asking ourselves: what is the point of all this? Is getting that six-figure salary really worth it? Is even raising a family and going through the struggles of dating, marriage, parenthood, all worth it? A lot of endeavors seem to be simply for self-pleasure or self-satisfaction. A lot also seem to be for the future, for things that will be better in the long run. We work so we can have money so we can satisfy our hunger, or we invest in people that will support us emotionally where financial support isn't really enough. But even these things seem to be temporary in the long run... we lose our jobs, unsuspected and unpredictable disasters strike, people die (sadly)...

Short of doing things to further the Kingdom of God, which is something that is permanent and everlasting, I'm not sure what the purpose is to progress in other areas, other than for temporary enjoyment. Which isn't bad in itself, but can very quickly lead to a pretty messed up life. Playing around with the time-frame of everything makes things seem... very different. Like if we think with an eternal perspective rather than a temporary one, things that aren't for His glory seem trivial. Which, in different ways, they are, and are not. Life should be enjoyed, since life, in itself, is an amazing gift from God. But it shouldn't be wasted.

How to not waste my life... that's still something I'm working on. For now, I just know that I don't want to.

Imperfect perfection? Or another corny paradox.

In missions training we've been flying in a pastor from out of state to speak to us and help train us and prep us for the field (I'm going to Japan to teach English, among other things). The general topic was church history and such, but towards the end he made a point that really interested me. It went something along the lines of this:

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Why do you think that God always seems to use broken, messed up people to do His work? A lot of times, through history, we see pretty sinful people do amazing things for God. This seems to be a question that comes up a lot; a lot of people say that it's so that all of the glory goes to God, because there's no way we could do such great things on our own. God's power is shown through our weaknesses. Maybe it's to humble believers who are used, to remind us that it is not us doing the work, but God. It could be for those, and it could be for a lot of other things, maybe each one particular to each case.
But maybe there's something about these flaws that helps bring perfection. Look at Jesus; He was the perfect example of someone who day in and day out followed God's will, obeyed his calling, and laid his life down for his brothers and sisters (us). But after the resurrection, He still had scars on his hands; a flaw, an imperfection. He could have easily gotten rid of them, I'm sure. I mean, he rose from the dead, probably could walk through walls (to get out of the tomb), performed countless miracles (many of them healing), but himself was left with scars in his wrists from being crucified. Maybe there's something perfect, something really great, about being flawed. Maybe perfection itself is being flawed. Maybe. I don't know, just some food for thought.

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And I guess, it is just food for thought. I feel like a lot of things in the Bible leave you asking questions, but God provides us enough to understand that He is much bigger than us, infinitely absolute, and that He loves us. But stuff like this makes me wonder. And I'll just have to tack it on to the list of things that I'll be reaching towards, for most likely the rest of my life.

Writing

So I told myself (and a few other people) that I would try to write more in this blog, because I thought it was good for me, both in helping my personal thought process and pushing my writing... skills? (since my classes don't really do that right now).

But without explicit stuff to write about this seems kind of hard. I feel like a lot of writing, or art/expression, in general, is making the mundane and boring seem exciting and beautiful. Which they are. But when we look at things through the same lens day to day, things start to seem the same, day after day. And yea, sometimes they are, but then we don't really get to see the beauty and complexity of the world around us.

I also feel like I repeat myself a lot. Like this sentence, me saying that I repeat myself a lot, is something that I feel like I repeat a lot. And similarly, I feel like I often go back to this vague ideas like, life being complicated and crazy, or God's grace being so amazing in my life. Either my thoughts are stuck in some weird cycle or circle that I have a hard time getting out of, or my life can pretty much be summarized by those things.

I'm also afraid of writing stuff that sucks. Or that I think sucks. I guess anything "artistic" or "personal" is weird like that. Because we're supposed to write, or draw, or make music, that comes from something that's more natural or heartfelt, but society often picks apart the little details in everything, making these things something that is refined and carefully, mindfully created. So, hopefully I'll move into some area where I can learn to write more freely and will be able to challenge my own thinking with this.

Some things to clear up

I'm not quite sure why I'm starting this. I think it's something in between me wanting to get better at writing, me thinking that my thoughts are good enough and have enough value/wisdom/whatever to be written somewhere, and writing being a good outlet and tool for... me, I guess.

It's really easy to go through life without really thinking about what we're doing. A lot of thought often goes into the past or the future, depending on what type of person you are. I think our thoughts can often lend to regrets of the past or high hopes for the future; we hope to make changes tomorrow because of the mistakes that we made yesterday. Personally, regret is still something that I think I struggle with, and somewhat contributed to the name of the blog. Before we launch into anything, big things, I think it's something we all should really be doing.

In particular, it seems that many people don't really count the cost of following Christ. Earlier this semester I was at an outreach event hosted by another fellowship, and the speaker's message was titled, "Why I don't want to be a Christian." And seemingly rightly so. I think people come to Christ expecting things in return, wanted to be rewarded for our "holiness" or our effort to follow God's Word. But there are plenty of reasons not to be a Christian. A lot of them are even in the Bible. We're going to get persecuted, the world is going to hate us, we might have to leave home, leave mothers and fathers, friends and loved ones, we might lose our life. In fact, we're supposed to consider our lives lost for the sake of Jesus Christ; anyone who wants to be great among us must be a servant to all. A servant to all... is pretty extreme. Crazy talk.

Yet there are so many Christians who claim to walk in the footsteps of Jesus Christ, but do not embrace His teachings. When Jesus was asked what the greatest commandment was, He explained that it was to "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and all your soul and all your mind and all your strength," and that the second was to "love your neighbor as yourself." It elsewhere says that "Greater love has known no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." (John 15:13).

So are we really doing this? Is anyone? I'm certainly not. I have not laid down my life for God, nor my friends, nor my neighbors... I hardly know the full cost of being Jesus' disciple. But I say that I am.

C.S. Lewis said, "Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important." And I full-heartedly agree. It is, in its essence, the difference between life and death. And if it is life, if it is truth, we should be desperately chasing God with everything that we've got. No matter what the cost.

And though it would seem that the cost might not matter in light of these two extreme possibilities, I think it does. Because a lot of times, in order for us to give "everything" to God, we must give them piece by piece. He doesn't rush us, because love is patient. Understanding what we're giving up (what the cost is) also gives insight into what we're getting, and what we're giving for. Just like anything else, the value or worth of anything can be measured by what we've had to give to gain it. And we're supposed to give our lives for Christ, whatever that means. Must be worth a lot.

EDIT:

I think what is better to think about is not particularly the cost of following Jesus, (since the word alludes to various things that might be falsely implied), but rather what it means, looks like, feels like, to follow Him. So this blog is about that journey of loving God more and more. There we go.

Counting the Cost

Is something that we don't do enough.