The last week-ish has been hard for me. In strange, odd little ways, but still, "hard" or "tough" I think might be the best words to describe it.
And I think it really shows me the fickleness of my own heart and the nature of my sin. Why is it so hard to discipline myself? It is infinitely easier to sit in front of a TV and watch a show or movie for hours, easy to play computer or video games over and over again. Yet it is so, so hard to read the Bible every day. Hard to soak it in, hard to earnestly pray to God every day. This doesn't really make sense to me.
It doesn't make sense because I know in my head, (And I thought I knew in my heart, but... not so sure anymore) that there is some odd twisting of values taking place here. Because I value reading the Bible, I value prayer. And you know what? I know other people value prayer. I know that my prayers make a difference. I know that when I don't pray and am not meeting with God, or when I don't read the Bible, I lose perspective. I also know that playing hours and hours of video/computer games adds very little value to my life. Yet somewhere in this thought process, where my thoughts transfer to actions, the values seem to get switched, and I spend more time doing the less-valued rather than the more-valued. (Okay, well I guess it depends on where we get this idea of 'value' from, and as I am a professing Christian and follower of Jesus... I'm not quite sure if these are things that God would value.)
Two things come to my mind when I think about this.
1. It's hard for me to really believe that anything is worth it if it is not centered around the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
2. Why are the values in my head different from that of my heart? Or, why is it so hard to transfer these thoughts into action? (I keep using this word "values" but I really think it's just because I can't think of a better term. If I do, it'll be at the end. But for now, "values" will have to do. Something to do with worth.)
It's been even more of a struggle lately because I really, really want to spend more time reading the Bible and praying. But when I say that I really, really want to, I don't. I simply do not. And this really troubles and worries me. Maybe I do for a week; maybe for a week, I'll pray an extra 15 minutes every day, or go to one extra prayer meeting, or read a few more chapters. But then it dies down. Then I forget that I'm a sinner desperately in need of God's grace, or I get lazy, or I lose sight of the cross, or... who knows.
And really, I think it's because I haven't really died to myself yet. Matthew 16:24-25 reads:
24Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. 25For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.
and John 3:30 reads:
30He must become greater; I must become less.
Two things that are incredibly, incredibly difficult. Have I really given up my own passions and desires to follow Christ? Have I lost my life? Well, the answer is no. I haven't. I haven't lost my life for Christ. I'm not quite sure, but I think part of the reason why disciplining myself can be so difficult is because I haven't fully done this yet. I mean, maybe I never will. Probably not.
But hopefully every day, I'll wake up and pray, "God, help me live this day for you, because I can't do it on my own."
I don't know if I got my point across or if this was well-written, but that's okay. Here it is. And hopefully more will start coming. (I say that a lot, but seriously this time... more will come. Time to let go.)
