thinking

One thing that kind of bothers me with my thinking is that (I think that) I think in very abstract, kind of lofty ideas. Like, big concepts, big-picture type stuff that seems hard to apply to my life. Well, I can apply it, because I think like that, but when I try to imagine my writing from a 3rd person perspective, sometimes it seems pretty lofty. Pretty far out there.

I was having a conversation with a friend last night, and as we were leaving the restaurant, agreed that we should continue to learn how to appreciate the little things in life. All the things that seem mundane or routine even, should be appreciated... the fact that we are living in this time and space should be acknowledged. And be given thanks for.

Maybe part of me is afraid of thinking/writing of things that are more personal/close to my heart... but maybe I just have a really abstract way of thinking. Or maybe a little bit of both. I guess my only real qualm is, that it can be hard to really apply those random thoughts to myself, let alone describe them and relay them to other people. Maybe I'm just weird.

Well, how we apply larger/more abstract ideas is really what makes them important right? If ideas just remain as ideas then they seem kind of useless... a lot of times we're left with the question, "so now what?"

gray. (grey?)

I wish there were more things in life that were black and white. Or, it were easier to see things as black and white, right and wrong... I feel like even if doing the "right" thing was really, really hard, I'd be okay doing it, because I would know for sure that it was the right thing. But more often than not it seems like putting a lot of energy and effort into the "right" thing isn't a sure-fire way to do the right thing.

But I'm not just talking about right and wrong. Like, finding this thing we like to call "balance" in my life; balance between school and friends, between prayer and time with people, balance between the present and the future. Like, if we don't live in the moment, we'll never really get a chance to live... but if we don't plan for the future, we might not have one. Or, I really need to study and take care of myself, but other people need my help with these certain things and I should really be trying to actively love them.

And the answer to a lot of these things and qualms seems to be to go back to the prayer times with God and ask for some discernment. A lot of answers come from a simple shift in perspective, prioritizing certain heart motives over others. Sometimes this seems to subjective... but then again, I guess in a way, everything is.

On second thought, even if things were more black and white, I think I would have a hard time believing what was what. Being human, I feel like I naturally have a hard time believing things that are absolute, regardless of what they are. Even if I am convicted of my own beliefs and think I have strong evidence for something, a little inkling in me will be wondering, "what if?" Or, because I know that even if things are black/white from my perspective, they become 'grayed' (if you will) by the opinion of others, nothing is really, black and white... or very little is.

Have we lost ourselves?

I think I'm still only beginning to realize how much this past summer has changed my life. Thinking back sometimes still almost brings me to tears, and when I try to remember what life was like before going to Japan... I simply cannot. At least, it is a struggle to.

I suppose sometime I should really try to write a my testimony from this summer. But how... how can I even begin to describe the impact that God has had on my life? This seems to be where all the words in the world would never be able to do it justice.

There just seems to be a large jumble of words; words like love, and family, and life...

One word in particular that I have come to really like is 'abandon'. (Now that I've typed it out it looks kind of funny.) But I think true, complete, utter abandon is something really, really beautiful. Because when you are completely abandoned for something, you are completely lost for that cause, for that purpose. Nothing else matters. It is this strange and eerie mix of desperation and satisfaction, selflessness and selfishness. Because we are desperate for that cause to be furthered, but satisfied because we are constantly, constantly pushing for more, giving our all. We no longer become people after our own desires, save for that which we consider everything else a loss for.

I think, over the summer, for the first time, I began to experience that and see that. You see, when you truly, truly abandon everything that you have for one thing that you desire, life becomes simple. Strangely, uncannily, wonderfully simple.

But there is such an intense struggle for this simplicity. Because there are so many and so many THINGS in this world that are biding for our attention. And I guess the ultimate goal is to be at a place where everything that we do becomes to the same end; to glorify God. Yet on the surface, this world has so much to offer, so much temporary pleasure and satisfaction, so much emotion, pain, struggle, joy... so much that seems so real. Things that make us feel alive, or feel warm and fuzzy inside. Things like school, our GPAs, relationships; ideas like the future and success.

So, let's not lose ourselves amidst these things. Even as we serve, let's not get caught up in seeing change or planning events or using every minute of the day. Let's not get blinded by the need to set a good example or our desire to fit a certain standard of stereotype of a leader, let's not get lost in the standards that society sets on us.

I pray that I will never forget the depth of my depravity that God has pulled me out of; that every day I will find myself in my Father, my Daddy... That I will remember, always remember, the cost that was paid for my life, and that I will not let myself be pulled back into the chaos of the world around us.

(untitled).

http://www.thegospelcoalition.org/

In strange contrast to my last post, there seems to be a strong movement in the online Christian community through blogs, messages and the like. And the above website seems to be another pretty sweet site. Check it out.

The internet and technology can do wonders in sharing ideas, blessings, struggles... maybe we'll start to see some real unity and movement within the Church. Maybe, God willing, the Church will start to rise up, and we'll start to see some real change...

Let's not complicate things too much. Among whatever ideas, struggles, blessings, intellectual breakthroughs we may have, let's keep Christ, the Gospel, at the center of our lives.


Oh yea. And make sure you watch until the end, for Piper's last bit. It's great, I promise.

(spoken) words & relationships? Or something?

I recently realized that sometimes I really struggle to verbalize my thoughts. Which kind of bothers me, because I generally like to think that I'm pretty good at explaining myself and communicating what I'm thinking to other people (verbally). Even before saying something, even if I mentally say to myself what I'm hoping to say, it never seems to come out the same once I start talking. I think part of it's because my mind is all over the place when I have a lot on it, so it's hard to really remember things I wanted to say.

I guess this is kinda why I like to write. Like maybe it helps me process things, even though I think for the most part I just write whatever comes to my mind. My writing tends to be relatively conversational; people have told me that they can hear my voice saying these words as I type them. Which I guess is kinda nice.

But let me just say, I love, love love love, straight up, raw, human, in-person interaction. Part of me always feels like writing, chatting, even to a point, talking on the phone, is not how we were really meant to relate to each other. And that there is something really special about the human voice that nothing else really has; something powerful and moving. Something, well, human.

I think we also tend to forget how powerful (and because of this, destructive) our words, our voices can be. Sometimes, the slightest compliment will simply make my day, or a little side comment will hurt for hours. And maybe it's because I'm sensitive, or people are insensitive, or something, but I'm sure this happens for everyone.

I don't really know how I got here and it doesn't really seem to relate, but...

For a little bit I forgot the value of personal relationships. I think this is a truth that we should all never forget; that true, true life transformation comes from relationships. In all shapes and sizes. Our relationship with God, with our peers, eventually our spouses, our parents; people make a difference to people. God wants a relationship with us; Christ had, has, a relationship with us. If we want to be Christ to people around us, if we want to love them, we need to have relationships with them (something that I think naturally comes out of love, among other things...)

And I think a big part of relationships is spending time with people. In person. Using words, and actions, and our voices, and our time, and... well, a lot of things. But words... man, sometimes words are full of life, full of humanness. Full of love even. Words are funny, because words in themselves seem to limit us in our expression; but our voices... our voices are limitless.

I feel like this should've been broken up into two posts, about the verbal words that we speak to each other and the inter-personal relationships that we have (and the value that I think they should have). But so is my struggle to clearly and concisely relay my thoughts, as is my laziness to break this up, edit it further and the like. But, there is some pretty cool link between our voices and how we interact with people. And I wish we could just go back to how we most naturally interact... without the paper, the ink, the monitor and electronics between us.