feel like writing

Things are coming to a close.

I started this blog in May of 2008, and I think it's time to bring it to a close soon. In a shallow way, simply because of the title and the URL, but also because I want a sort of "fresh" start to the blogging world and I think I need to change my outlook on things a little bit.

The title comes from the idea of counting the cost of things... namely, discipleship under Jesus Christ. Rarely do we, and did I, count the cost of becoming a disciple, and in ways became caught up in knowing that we never really give up enough for the Gospel. We give parts of our hearts, minutes of our day, part of our lives... but we never really give it all. So I wanted this blog to be about that cost; about what it means to follow Jesus, about the price that we have to pay.

I think this might be a bleak outlook on life and what it means to be a Christian, and maybe stumbled me more than I realized.

All that being said, I have a lot to think about / reflect on from the past four years of my life, and I hope that as this blog comes to a close I will share those reflections here.

But, let's finish this off strong.

Focus

Over the past few weeks I've been trying really hard to discipline myself in reading the Bible (studying it, meditating on it) as well as reading other books. I've also tried to simply meditate and put to practice the idea of "be still, and know that I am God" by being still and letting myself acknowledge that God is God.

I've always had a hard time focusing on these sorts of things. When I pray by myself, even if I mutter out loud, I lose focus and need to get myself back on track; I think about songs I recently listened to, things I want to do today or tomorrow, things that happened yesterday, etc. Even when I read sometimes I lose focus. Maybe I have ADD, but there's some part of myself or my body that constantly jumps around.

Today, I realized that when I'm doing something with my hands it's much easier for me to concentrate. As I was reading at B&N today and sipping on a drink, I kept playing with the bottle cap and realized that I had just breezed through two chapters of Mere Christianity. Interestingly enough, it seems that distracting part of myself helped me focus on another.

So my question, I suppose, is this: Knowing that stimulus to my hands of some sort helps me focus, how can I use that to my advantage and how can I get over it? Do I even need to get over it? In my mind I'd like to mentally discipline myself to the point where I can simply focus on things and be still and find peace in quietness, rather than in busyness (busyness with my hands, at least). Part of me wonders if this ongoing need to do something with my hands transfers and correlates to my need to do something with my time (in general).

It's easy to busy myself doing things "for God," but can I really be still and know that He is God? Not just still in the mornings or in the evenings, but have a constant mental, emotional, spiritual stillness that is a peace and simply knows that God is God. That He is King, over this world and over my life.

Ok, I just answered my own question. Yes, I need to get over it. And yes, I need the power of Christ and God's grace to cover (and free me from) my sins, such as my need to prove my self-worth through actions and doing the "right" things. But for now, maybe when I'm reading (or something like that), I'll make sure I have something to distract my other self with...

why so serious?

One thing I've been learning these past few months is that not everything has to be so serious. Well, "serious" as I understand it, at least.

I don't know what else to say. I was going to write a longer post about the topic but maybe there isn't a whole lot more to say. Just... learn to laugh and enjoy the simple things. Maybe things that aren't necessarily "holy" or "Christian-y" but are definitely meant to be enjoyed. Things like spending time with people and laughing with them, like eating and cooking and playing games.

Hopefully I will also have some lighter posts and just get into a habit of writing more. I think this is partially why it's hard for me to continue to write, because I think if it's not something serious or deep or profound it isn't worth it. Similarly how sometimes I feel like I need to have really deep/personal/spiritual conversations with people in order for the time we spend together to be well-spent. But I think this is wrong. Laughing with people is worth it.

Of course, as with everything, there is a line to be drawn and a healthy balance.

repetition

Again, I wrote out a long post and then decided to write differently. Because I realized that what I was writing about was really circling around one idea that might help me understand my situation better.

Repetition isn't a bad thing. Even if it's in writing, talking, listening, etc. I need to tell myself this and come to believe it, because I think for awhile I've acted like it's a bad thing. Like the previous post, to which steve commented that I've written before. Yea, I probably have, and honestly, it makes me a little sad that I've written it before.

It makes me sad because it makes me feel like I haven't had any "progress". Like I've been stuck in the same spot for awhile. But I think in different ways I haven't been stuck, and even if I am, I need to be okay with repeating some things. Maybe I didn't really learn the first time or it still needs to settle in.

While my repetition of things may be a sign that I still struggle with that particular sin or lesson or area of my life, I need to come to terms with having to repeat it. Yeah, so maybe I feel like certain parts of my life / faith go in circles (in particular, my writing and these posts,) but maybe it's because I haven't learned from them enough and it's about time that I do.

I also think that I might be worrying/thinking too much about growth itself, rather than writing / thinking as a means to a more intimate relationship with God and to glorify Him. But that's for another time. For now.

life was meant to live!

There are many things on my mind right now, and (I think) many ideas floating around my mind waiting to come out in words, waiting to be externally processed and reviewed. But in an effort to collect my thoughts and in preparation to write, I came to realize that some of these thoughts are not really relevant to me. That is, though they would end up being an expression of my views and opinions (and some convictions) they are not really something I am going through now, per say. (Not that this isn't a reason to write about them, but more because that was the original reason for my wanting to post).

But I am reminded that today must be lived, well, today. Life must be lived (to an extent) in the now. I think too often I let myself be held back by thoughts of doubts, by questions without answers or by the uncertainty of the future. Why should that keep me from living today? Not simply waking up and sleeping, breathing and eating, but I mean, living. Embracing life.

I won't lie, I've been thinking a lot about the future, but I don't know if that's really done me any good. It's pulled some attention from the things right in front of me. (Of course, I will admit that thought, planning and prayer ought to go into our choices for the future, but I think too much planning for the future might make it hard for us to be obedient to God.)

Though I don't know what lies and awaits ahead, I know what's right in front of me now, and I must do my best to faithfully serve and love. Regardless of where I'll be, I need to be at peace with where I am. I pray that I will learn to be fully and solely satisfied in the goodness and greatness of God, today, not tomorrow.

Mark Driscoll on Adolescence