Focus

Over the past few weeks I've been trying really hard to discipline myself in reading the Bible (studying it, meditating on it) as well as reading other books. I've also tried to simply meditate and put to practice the idea of "be still, and know that I am God" by being still and letting myself acknowledge that God is God.

I've always had a hard time focusing on these sorts of things. When I pray by myself, even if I mutter out loud, I lose focus and need to get myself back on track; I think about songs I recently listened to, things I want to do today or tomorrow, things that happened yesterday, etc. Even when I read sometimes I lose focus. Maybe I have ADD, but there's some part of myself or my body that constantly jumps around.

Today, I realized that when I'm doing something with my hands it's much easier for me to concentrate. As I was reading at B&N today and sipping on a drink, I kept playing with the bottle cap and realized that I had just breezed through two chapters of Mere Christianity. Interestingly enough, it seems that distracting part of myself helped me focus on another.

So my question, I suppose, is this: Knowing that stimulus to my hands of some sort helps me focus, how can I use that to my advantage and how can I get over it? Do I even need to get over it? In my mind I'd like to mentally discipline myself to the point where I can simply focus on things and be still and find peace in quietness, rather than in busyness (busyness with my hands, at least). Part of me wonders if this ongoing need to do something with my hands transfers and correlates to my need to do something with my time (in general).

It's easy to busy myself doing things "for God," but can I really be still and know that He is God? Not just still in the mornings or in the evenings, but have a constant mental, emotional, spiritual stillness that is a peace and simply knows that God is God. That He is King, over this world and over my life.

Ok, I just answered my own question. Yes, I need to get over it. And yes, I need the power of Christ and God's grace to cover (and free me from) my sins, such as my need to prove my self-worth through actions and doing the "right" things. But for now, maybe when I'm reading (or something like that), I'll make sure I have something to distract my other self with...

why so serious?

One thing I've been learning these past few months is that not everything has to be so serious. Well, "serious" as I understand it, at least.

I don't know what else to say. I was going to write a longer post about the topic but maybe there isn't a whole lot more to say. Just... learn to laugh and enjoy the simple things. Maybe things that aren't necessarily "holy" or "Christian-y" but are definitely meant to be enjoyed. Things like spending time with people and laughing with them, like eating and cooking and playing games.

Hopefully I will also have some lighter posts and just get into a habit of writing more. I think this is partially why it's hard for me to continue to write, because I think if it's not something serious or deep or profound it isn't worth it. Similarly how sometimes I feel like I need to have really deep/personal/spiritual conversations with people in order for the time we spend together to be well-spent. But I think this is wrong. Laughing with people is worth it.

Of course, as with everything, there is a line to be drawn and a healthy balance.

repetition

Again, I wrote out a long post and then decided to write differently. Because I realized that what I was writing about was really circling around one idea that might help me understand my situation better.

Repetition isn't a bad thing. Even if it's in writing, talking, listening, etc. I need to tell myself this and come to believe it, because I think for awhile I've acted like it's a bad thing. Like the previous post, to which steve commented that I've written before. Yea, I probably have, and honestly, it makes me a little sad that I've written it before.

It makes me sad because it makes me feel like I haven't had any "progress". Like I've been stuck in the same spot for awhile. But I think in different ways I haven't been stuck, and even if I am, I need to be okay with repeating some things. Maybe I didn't really learn the first time or it still needs to settle in.

While my repetition of things may be a sign that I still struggle with that particular sin or lesson or area of my life, I need to come to terms with having to repeat it. Yeah, so maybe I feel like certain parts of my life / faith go in circles (in particular, my writing and these posts,) but maybe it's because I haven't learned from them enough and it's about time that I do.

I also think that I might be worrying/thinking too much about growth itself, rather than writing / thinking as a means to a more intimate relationship with God and to glorify Him. But that's for another time. For now.

words.

I often find myself wanting to write and failing to find the words.

I think in times like these is when I need to be reading, or forcing myself to write... rather than doing neither.

That is all for now.

Rediscovering books!

One thing that I set out to do this past summer (for the first time in awhile) was to start reading. At the top of my list was Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne, along with others such as Far As the Curse is Found, recently Just Do Something, and currently Celebration of Discipline. Of course, reading books by other Christian thinkers does not replace reading the Bible, but it certainly gives insight into the Word, along with encouragement, helpful interpretation and practical suggestions for how to apply it to our lives.

I think inherently there is also a danger in reading books that are instructional by nature, as they are (obviously) not the authoritative Word of God. That being said, we must be careful not to consider what we read as authoritative or as "truth," but take it all with a grain of salt and test it against the Word of God.

But for those who even read this, I would implore you to start reading (or continue to read and process) the works of Christian thinkers. There are certainly a lot of books and writers that I haven't touched on and I've only recently read a small number of books, but the ones that I've read have offered unique perspectives that few (if anyone) could offer in such an articulate and through-out way. And I think a growing and changing perspective radically changes the way we live our lives, and in turn, live for God.

So please pick up a good book instead of sitting in front of the TV. I know it's hard sometimes because it's really hard for me, but just read a little bit every day and it will get easier. Think about what you're reading and test it against the Word. Ask for wisdom and discernment and seek first His Kingdom. Here are a few reasons why I think we all should read the works of other Christians (specifically books; blogs are good and all, but sometimes don't give as complete of an argument or are not as thought out).

I was thinking about making a list of reasons why reading books have helped me, but hopefully my writings/reviews/whatevers from books will suffice. I've been incredibly blessed by reading the few books that I have, and hope you will be too.

Currently trying to focus on Celebration of Discipline. Will write on it soon, as I think it also helps me process what I read and make it more concrete in my mind.