Renovation.

More often than not, it takes awhile for people to change. We gradually learn from experiences, take in words of advice from people... but it all takes time to process, to really settle in and set in our hearts.

But I think that when God really wants to, He changes us pretty quickly. Over the past few days He has completely refreshed me, and completely changed my perspective on life.

That said, I am worried that my convictions and the things God spoke to me will be forgotten in a few months. Or a year. Or maybe weeks. It's like that spiritual high that so often comes with retreats and conferences, and that so often fades away as we settle into our worldly lives that we were living before said spiritual high. So there's this fine line between our emotions being stirred by an encounter with God and our hearts being transformed by it.

And I don't want to forget. God made some major changes in my heart that I sincerely pray will continue throughout my entire life. (What all of these changes are might come in later posts, and they might not; a good amount was written in the previous though, I think. Or you can ask me.)

It seems that we so easily go back into the patterns and schedules that we're used to and comfortable with. I wish it wasn't so easy to settle; I don't want to settle.

God is sovereign. Let's start living.

I don't think I can really grasp the sovereignty of God. At least, it's really hard to. And I think that most of us don't. It's one of those core, core things to Christianity that we often pass over, but if truly understood, would radically change our lives. My life.

God is sovereign over everything. He is in control. His judgment is sovereign and final; the grace and forgiveness that He gives us is absolute. His love is absolute, unchanging.

Over the conference this weekend (AMI Revolution) , Dr. Steve, a missionary in Kenya, gave two messages concerning God's sovereignty. He brought up the point that we tend to stop putting God in the picture when other people get involved. He used the analogy that if we're walking along a beach, and a coconut falls on our head, we are pretty likely to see that as an act of God. But if someone throws the coconut at us and it donks us on the head, it's just a random guy throwing a coconut as us.

It's also hard to understand God's sovereignty over the context of time. In the book of Esther, God spent her entire life, her entire upbringing; years and years, to prepare her and put her in the position to do great things for God. If I really believe in God's sovereignty, do I believe that He's been working behind the scenes for my entire life, for a time such as this? Or, that I am still being prepared to do great things for God?

Over the weekend, my faith has taken huge leaps in these two areas. And with this in mind, I think I'm ready to finally give over everything to God, piece by piece. Though I have been over the years, I think it's about to pick up. How can anybody not? God has constantly been working in our lives, whether we know it or not; He has been planning amazing things for us, but we are blind to it. We chose comfort over discomfort, take the easy, cookie-cutter way through life, rather than choosing to live radically for the biggest, most powerful, most loving, compassionate person we've ever met. How can we NOT respond by giving our entire lives?

I think a large reason that I became a Christian is because life is pointless without it. There is no purpose. We simply exist, live a life, meet some people, lose some friends, and then die. But you see, God has a plan for my life. I'm not meant to let the world pass me by, but I, we, are meant to live a life that is radically different from the rest of the world, we are meant to be part of God's infinitely large redemptive plan. He has given me a purpose; what specifically that is, I have yet to discover. I simply know that I will lead a life of worship. No matter what I do, it will be in worship to God.

God is sovereign. His plan will be done no matter what, with or without us. Do I want to be a footnote in God's salvation history, or do I want to be a main player? I hope to be a main player, but of course, I only could according to God's will. No matter what His plan to me, I want to be able to live life knowing that I did everything in my power to worship God, by loving Him and loving my neighbors.

(Of course, with all this in mind, there is a constant paradox and struggle to grasp God's sovereignty in relation to us having free will; though God has a master plan for everything, we are still able to make our own choices, to some extent.)

Let's go God. Greater things have yet to come, greater things are still to be done...

Release.

There's a lot that I hold on to. Most of the time I'm in denial about it though. Most of the time I'm pretty good at telling myself that I'm not holding on to things. Like school, for example. I can usually convince myself that I'm okay if I don't do well enough to deem myself as a "successful student". But when finals and such come along, all of that falls apart; I become anxious about my grades and how well I do compared to other people in my class.

I've recently realized that I need to let go of these things. God has revealed a lot to me at AMI Revolution, and I need to adjust my life accordingly. Check later posts for more. Many, many thoughts running through my head. This past weekend was an incredible blessing in so many ways.

In His hands.

There seems to be this constant paradigm between us lifting up things to God and being good stewards of what He has given us. While I know I need to let God take full control of my life, I also must be a good steward of the things that I have been entrusted with (what those things are is up for debate, though could arguably be a lot).

It seems as though God is trying to get at (as usual) the heart of things, of me. I need to be ready to lose everything or gain everything, but whatever happens, it has to be for His glory. Rather than thinking like, "I need to DO this because it is for God's glory," I should be thinking, "God has given me this for His glory." It's not my action or what I do that I should be focused on, but what God is already doing, and what God has done.

And it's exactly that. It's not what happens and what doesn't happen, it's where our hearts are. Where my heart is.

And I always seem to have this daunting self-doubt as to where my heart is. Because I know where it should be, and though I often think that it's there, I am so convinced of my sin that I find it hard to believe that it is where I think it is. (Wow, that sentence sounds confusing.) And maybe that's because I'm more convinced of my sin than God's grace. It's easier for me to believe how utterly I have failed than how overpowering God's love is.

My prayers, among many:

Psalm 139:23-24 - "Search me, oh God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there be any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."

Psalm 73:25-26 - "Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

Philippians 3:8 - "What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ"


Feeling like I have more to say but I'm not sure how. Oh well.

Losing myself, in bringing You praise...

My friend, who recently told me he's in "a rut", asked me to pray for one thing: that the lyrics of that song, "From the Inside Out", would become truth to him. That he would lose himself in order to bring glory to God; that as he went on missions, as he lived his life, he wouldn't look at himself, what he wanted, or what he thought was right, but would look to God first and foremost for everything.

Another friend made a xanga post sharing a similar struggle.

It is so, so easy to become caught up in ourselves. And I have a strong conviction that even when we think we're being selfless, we're actually being selfish. That more often than not, we are not actually being selfless; but we are being selfishly selfless. Putting others first because we think WE should be the ones serving them, or because we want to be the one receiving glory for helping others.

Similarly, I think it's very easy to be pridefully humble. "Oh, look at me! I'm so humble. That means I'm better than you." Even though I denied it, I think I often used to feel like this; that I was better than you, because I was selfless AND humble. What now! (kidding. well, that last part.)

To be honest, I think I see this in a lot of people. But it's hard to understand our true motives sometimes, since our thoughts and actions have (what seems to be) an infinite number of emotions behind who we are as human beings. Which is perfectly fine. But as with many things, I feel like we should be more aware of our faults and humble ourselves enough to admit these mistakes. It's easy for us to know what we're supposed to do and how we're supposed to think, but it's so easy to act that way simply because we are "supposed" to, not because it is out of a genuine love for God and his people. So let's take another look.

Tired. So that's all for now.

Walls.

Every now and then I get this undeniable feeling of loneliness. It makes me a little sad sometimes, and other times I just feel plain detached from the world, feel like there's something more between all of us that we're just struggling to reach for.

I think I feel like this because to a certain extent it's true. It's true in that, you and I will never really know each other, and always have the potential to be separated, whether by time or location, or by emotion... No matter how much we talk, how much time we spend together, there are parts of me that you will not know or understand. There are thoughts and feelings that I will not be able to express with words. Maybe through art, or music, or some sort of free-form expression, I will be able to get it out of myself, but it will be transformed and contorted in your eyes.

What's good about feeling like this every now and then (I think?) is that it makes me realize how unique my relationship with God is. I mean, He knows us, in and out. Better yet, He knows ME. That's pretty amazing. And not only does he know me like and intimate friend, but he is with me, always. No time, no place, no SIN, can come between us, because of Jesus Christ.

And sometimes I wonder if this is a way that we can more intimately know each other. Not that we are united in a cause, or that we share this thing in common, but because we share a relationship with a God that intimately knows all of us. If we align our hearts with God's heart, then we are aligned with each other's hearts. Beautiful.

Maybe it is my sin that keeps me feeling this way. Or our sin. Sometimes I get caught up in my inabilities, in ways that I've failed, in little things in which I feel like I am not enough. There's this weird tension in my mind between my sin and God's forgiveness. It's easy for me to move on, knowing that I am forgiven and made righteous through Jesus Christ. But now and then, these walls come up; I become discouraged, feel alone. Neither of which I should feel, because 1. We have already won the victory over death and over sin, and 2. I am not alone, because God is with me, and my brothers/sisters in Christ are with me. I guess I'm going through this process of solidifying those in my heart, and letting God and God alone satisfy me.

But still, I pray that God will break down these walls that separate our hearts, that keep parts of us apart from each other, apart from Him.

Maybe I just need to learn how to love and how to let myself be loved. To understand and live out the fact that, even though I am a dirty, sinful man, God's love enables me to fully and passionately love those around me, and that God dearly, dearly loves me, enabling others to do the same to me. Amen.

Loving

I remember earlier this year during one of the first small group meetings of second semester, we each discussed what some of our goals were for the upcoming months. A friend's biggest goal for the semester was to learn how to love people... and to be honest, I was a little upset that I didn't think of it for myself. That it didn't come across my mind that I had done a poor job loving people and needed to work on it.

I guess with writing and... just thinking in general, it's easy to make things complicated or add little nuances to things that don't really need them. What's harder, but at times, more effective, is learning to simplify things. I need to work on that.

Though thinking about things is not inherently a bad thing, it can definitely be overdone, and can be a distraction from the heart of the issues that we're thinking about. When it comes down to it, I really need to learn what it means, and how to, love people. Which can be really hard; because people frustrate me, or I feel like people misinterpret things that I mean well with, or jump to assumptions. Sometimes it's like life, and dealing with people, is a constant battle. Trying to prove myself, to make sure that they don't get the wrong impression, to make sure that they aren't hurt accidentally by my facial expressions that (apparently) seem to look negative a good amount of the time (even though they aren't meant to be). I'm usually pretty good with not letting that get to me, but lately it's been creeping up on me. So, until I fully understand and am able to live by and through God's love, that needs to be my focus.

So keep reminding me. Simply, love.

Worth.

I have a hard time taking correction. There's this constant struggle in my heart between what I know is right and what my sinful nature wants to do; to yell at someone for doing something I thought was inconsiderate as opposed to being patient with them, or my laziness overcoming any sort of diligence that I have.

It's also really easy for me to get caught up in my inabilities. Part of me feels very incapable of anything, while part of my feels more capable than anyone else. Like my pride is constantly battling my realization that I am a sinful man.

I'm trying to learn what it means to let God be enough for me. I know that He is everything that I could ever want or ever need, and more... and I know that things of this world will fade away, that what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. But I like things around here (sometimes). There is a very delicate (or a lot of tension) between the ideas that 1. Our lives are very valuable (because God values us), and 2. We are nothing (without God).

For some reason it's really easy for me to think that I am worthless. I think it's because for awhile I put my self-worth in people. I've been trying to break out of it, and I think that a good part of me has... but still, part of me hasn't. The struggle has changed from my friends to the people that I "serve". Or serve with.

No matter what I do, or any of us do, we can never make God love us any more or less than He does now. And that's pretty amazing. For some reason it's taking a long time to sink into my heart. To know that we are dearly loved by someone so much bigger than us should make us understand how greatly we are each valued. But for some reason, it's taking awhile to sink deep into my heart.

Better yet, if I am worth a lot to God, then all of us are. If God values them, even those people that I judge, then why shouldn't I? If God loves them, why shouldn't I? Why shouldn't we?

Sunday Christians and Someday Christians.

There are a lot of people who profess to believe in Christ, but lead lives that don't really reflect it. Let's again look at the extreme nature of everything in the Bible. 1 Corinthians 10:31 reads, "Whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God."

I'm not sure how to eat or drink and do it for the glory of God. But somehow we're supposed to. And beyond that, anything else we do is supposed to be for the glory of God.

I think a lot of people like leading multiple lives. Being a Christian just on Sundays when we go to church, or putting on a different person for work to get paid more or get that promotion, sucking up to our professors to see if they'll bump up our grade for no real good reason.

Maybe we're just really good at lying to ourselves. We always want the best of both (or every) world, whether it's in school, with friends, with God, with work. We like to put our lives into little compartments.

And maybe in general, this isn't so bad... but if you profess your faith in Jesus Christ, it's a pretty serious problem. And I think we're all guilty of it. It's not that we're only Christians on Sundays; it's that we're only Christians during church-related events. Because of my involvement with my church, I spend a lot of times doing "ministry" things; small group, worship team practice, planning small group, "meeting up" with people for, and in, small group. And because five or six days of the week involve some sort of titled ministry activity, it's easy to think that I'm living my life for Christ. But to be honest, I think it's a pretty poor measure of how much I, or anyone, is committed to Christ.

It might be more of a measure of how committed we are to our church, or to people, or to this idea of serving others, but without Christ at the core of all of these things, they're kind of meaningless. And if Christ is at the center of these things, at the center of your entire life, then these titles are actually no measure at all of your dedication to a life spent chasing after God. Maybe we need to take a second look at our lives and really see what we're living for.

I think it's pretty rare to see someone that is actually doing everything for the glory of God. Though it's something we will undoubtedly always need to work on, we should be more aware of how far away we are from fully giving ourselves to Christ.

Pride.

(I guess I'm starting to like having one-word titles for my posts. It makes me feel cool.)

Pride was the downfall of Lucifer. Or Satan.

I think it's a lot of people's downfalls, and even worse, I feel like we're all in denial about it. Especially Christians. It's really easy for us to think we're better than people, often because it makes us feel better about ourselves. It's like winning a video game or being good at basketball. You have something people don't.

During missions training a few days ago, Pastor Carl was talking about someone... I completely forget who, but said something like, "What the world needs is a religion or set of beliefs that humbles its believers." I'm pretty sure that Christianity is supposed to do that, but a lot of times we forget that. We forget that we are completely, utterly ridden with sin, that we are in absolute need of a God who will reach down to us, that was are undoubtedly incapable of earning our own salvation.


John 15:5 reads, "I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." Unfortunately, it's extremely easy for us to take the word "nothing" lightly. But let's think about it for just one extra second instead of passing it by; apart from Jesus, we can do NOTHING. Nothing. Even if you take this as not literally meaning nothing (which some of you may), it's a pretty extreme word. Zero. We can't breathe, can't walk, can't talk, can't even live day to day without Jesus. Whether we know that or not (believer or not?), it's true.

And this seems like it should be pretty humbling in itself. Of course there are other reasons why we should be humbled; we are to follow in the footsteps of Jesus, who utterly humbled himself, and in the end, gave himself into the hands of man in order that we would be saved.

In reference to the previous post, maybe humility is somehow linked to trust. Trust in others. Better yet, trust in God. If we understand, fully believe and accept that we are capable of nothing, then there is a LOT more space for God to do many things in our lives.

A friend once told me that he/she was told that they were too prideful to the point where it was keeping them from really experiencing God. And when you think about it, it makes sense. If we learn what true humility is, and live with this in our hearts, there is so much space for things that are really great. Like, for example, love. I don't think love can be very prideful, if at all. I think love is what happens when you put someone else's needs entirely before your own. Pride tends to work the other way, always putting ourselves in the center of the picture.

So take a look at your life. Where are you prideful? Do you think you are more righteous than someone else? That you're better than others because you pray more? Even more than not being able to do anything apart from God, Jesus says that "the greatest among you will be your servant" (Matthew 23:11). The last time I checked, it didn't take a whole lot to be a servant. Servants usually do daily chores. Things that anyone can do, but nobody really wants to. It's also pretty easy to say that we're serving people through our gifts; which is perfectly fine, if your hearts in the right place. And a good way to check might be trying to do something that requires zero skill. Maybe.

I think if you take the time to pray against your own pride and ask God to utterly take control of your life, you will experience true transformation. You'll change how you act, how you speak, the every action that you take. Maybe you won't crack the same jokes, because you'll realize you're doing it for attention, because you think you're funnier than everyone else. Or you'll realize that everything you thought you earned was really given to you, for no reason that you can claim as your own doing.

And do pray. I feel like praying is God's ultimate way of humbling us; it's how we can say, "God, I can't do this, I need your help. I need you to transform my heart, because I can't do it myself, and nobody around me can do it either. I need You."

(Though there is much more to be said about this issue, let's just leave it at this for now.)