Struggle.

To be frank, the last few days at home have been kind of difficult. Difficult in different ways, but largely in remembering not to be self-centered and selfish. I didn't come home with the attitude that I would love my family, no matter the circumstance. I didn't walk into the house constantly asking God to give me strength and wisdom, to help me love my family.

I really wish I did.

Home is hard because of a few things. (And when I say home, I mean, more specifically, my physical house in Lexington.)

-My parents aren't Christian. In fact, their views on spirituality and religion are as far away from Christianity as they could be, and each in a completely different direction. This manifests itself in a lot of different ways, in different life-views, little living habits and actions.

-There are a lot of distractions. Mostly, computer games, on which I can tend to waste a lot of time on and lose sleep because of. Not that computer games in general are bad, but can definitely detract from my focus on God. Which, sometimes, there was not much of.

-My previous living habits at home were not the greatest. Prior to college, and even afterwards, I did not do a very good job loving my family. That has been something I have been working to change, and it seems like I didn't do a great job this week.


The thing is, this is a struggle that I will constantly, repeatedly face. I don't know why it's hard. I don't know why I can't just help them out in the little things that I help everyone else out. Like, the other day my mom asked me to take my sister for a bike ride, and I really didn't want to. But I had no reason to say no, except for, "I don't want to." If it were almost anyone else, I probably would have gone without thinking much about it. Twenty or thirty minutes out of a day isn't much, especially when all I was doing is sitting around anyways.

A lot of life seems to be a struggle. But I think what makes struggle worse, what Satan is probably pretty good at doing, is making us feel alone. Because a lot of times, especially when I was with my family, I felt very alone. Felt like, feels like, this struggle is something that has been placed on my shoulders and is my burden to carry. Like nobody else will really understand or know what it's like. Sometimes it feels hopeless. Like they are so lost in their own worlds that I cannot imagine their minds being opened to Christ's love, like I am so sinful that I will never be able to really love them.

And these are all just feelings. A lot of what I think and write about is just feelings. Because deep down, I know the truth. I know that God is capable of anything, and can soften even the hardest of hearts. I know that I cannot love on my own, but God's love and grace is so great that His love will allow me to love my parents. Nothing is impossible with God. Nothing.

I guess, herein seems to lie the struggle, you see. Because I know that nothing is impossible for God. Right? I've seen Him do crazy things, I've seen people's lives turn around, heard stories of miracles. So there is this deep, internal struggle, against what seems to be, the world. This struggle to be in the world, but not of the world. One of my favorite memory verses was Colossians 2:2-3; "Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God."

Maybe that does a better job of describing what I'm thinking. Things above vs. earthly things. Things that may seem like they don't have an immediate effect vs. things that have immediate payoff. Things that are unseen vs. things that are seen. Holiness vs. worldliness.

Sometimes, these earthly things get in the way of those things above. We let them get in the way. We forget to constantly, constantly look to the cross. To look to our Heavenly Father.

Let's not forget. Remind me not to forget.