Moved!

Officially re-located yet again, for really no good reason. Just silly things, like a new title and new "idea" behind the blog, and maybe because tumblr has slightly more user-friendly interface and seems to be the new thing.

http://undef1ned.tumblr.com/

feel like writing

Things are coming to a close.

I started this blog in May of 2008, and I think it's time to bring it to a close soon. In a shallow way, simply because of the title and the URL, but also because I want a sort of "fresh" start to the blogging world and I think I need to change my outlook on things a little bit.

The title comes from the idea of counting the cost of things... namely, discipleship under Jesus Christ. Rarely do we, and did I, count the cost of becoming a disciple, and in ways became caught up in knowing that we never really give up enough for the Gospel. We give parts of our hearts, minutes of our day, part of our lives... but we never really give it all. So I wanted this blog to be about that cost; about what it means to follow Jesus, about the price that we have to pay.

I think this might be a bleak outlook on life and what it means to be a Christian, and maybe stumbled me more than I realized.

All that being said, I have a lot to think about / reflect on from the past four years of my life, and I hope that as this blog comes to a close I will share those reflections here.

But, let's finish this off strong.

Focus

Over the past few weeks I've been trying really hard to discipline myself in reading the Bible (studying it, meditating on it) as well as reading other books. I've also tried to simply meditate and put to practice the idea of "be still, and know that I am God" by being still and letting myself acknowledge that God is God.

I've always had a hard time focusing on these sorts of things. When I pray by myself, even if I mutter out loud, I lose focus and need to get myself back on track; I think about songs I recently listened to, things I want to do today or tomorrow, things that happened yesterday, etc. Even when I read sometimes I lose focus. Maybe I have ADD, but there's some part of myself or my body that constantly jumps around.

Today, I realized that when I'm doing something with my hands it's much easier for me to concentrate. As I was reading at B&N today and sipping on a drink, I kept playing with the bottle cap and realized that I had just breezed through two chapters of Mere Christianity. Interestingly enough, it seems that distracting part of myself helped me focus on another.

So my question, I suppose, is this: Knowing that stimulus to my hands of some sort helps me focus, how can I use that to my advantage and how can I get over it? Do I even need to get over it? In my mind I'd like to mentally discipline myself to the point where I can simply focus on things and be still and find peace in quietness, rather than in busyness (busyness with my hands, at least). Part of me wonders if this ongoing need to do something with my hands transfers and correlates to my need to do something with my time (in general).

It's easy to busy myself doing things "for God," but can I really be still and know that He is God? Not just still in the mornings or in the evenings, but have a constant mental, emotional, spiritual stillness that is a peace and simply knows that God is God. That He is King, over this world and over my life.

Ok, I just answered my own question. Yes, I need to get over it. And yes, I need the power of Christ and God's grace to cover (and free me from) my sins, such as my need to prove my self-worth through actions and doing the "right" things. But for now, maybe when I'm reading (or something like that), I'll make sure I have something to distract my other self with...

The Beatitudes.

Matthew 5

The Beatitudes

1Now when he saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, 2and he began to teach them saying:
3"Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
5Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
6Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
7Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
8Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
9Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called sons of God.
10Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

11"Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

As I was reading this and trying to meditate on it, something really new about it hit me. Well, not new, but something I never noticed before, when trying to look at it at a whole. Allow me to try to share.

Let me start by saying that this passage has always somewhat confused me. If I'm blessed, does that mean I'm saved? Do I need to be poor in spirit for the kingdom of heaven to be mine? What do these particular words mean for me and my life? What if I'm some of these but not all of these? Is there a big difference between being a son of God and the kingdom of heaven being mine? Why does Jesus list these specific things, even qualifiers, for being blessed? Can I be blessed through other ways? What does it even mean to be blessed (in itself, beyond what the passage says, such as being sons of God, or being filled)? Is there a specific order to these?

Questions aside. In ways this is still a mystery to me. But here's what I got.

Notice that every "type" of person, or "trait" of sorts, is blessed. But they are blessed for different reasons (pure in heart, poor in spirit, meek, etc.) and with different things (the kingdom of heaven, inherit the earth, called sons of God, etc.). Though I'm not really sure, let's just say that being in any of these categories means we are "saved" as we would say. As the blessing of the kingdom of heaven being theirs is at the beginning and end of the beatitudes, I think it's safe to take that next step. I hope.

In particular, the order, and progression of the "qualifiers" (quotes, because I don't think qualifier is really the right word) got to me. It starts out with being poor in spirit; we realize and understand our depravity, how broken we are, how in need we are. We mourn, we are meek, and then we hunger and thirst for righteousness. And after we hunger and thirst for that, we can be merciful to others as God has shown mercy to us. Our hearts are made pure, we can make peace with ourselves, with God, and with others. Then... we are persecuted because of righteousness. Bam!

We go from God meeting our needs through our suffering (poor in spirit, mourning, meekness, hungry and thirsty) to God blessing us in our satisfaction (don't know the word to put. Obedience? Worship? showing mercy, making peace, etc.) to God giving us what we had originally while we are persecuted. Honestly, I'd rather stop at being poor and spirit and having the kingdom of heaven. Poor and spirit sounds better than being persecuted because of righteousness.

It's almost as if the beatitudes outline a life-long path of spiritual growth and development that we each go through. No matter what point we are on, ours is the kingdom of heaven. At each step God meets our needs and blesses us; when we mourn, He comforts, when we hunger and thirst, He fills us. And all for what? So that we can, and will be, persecuted, and again have the kingdom of heaven. Maybe with bigger rewards in heaven.

And... that's kind of where it ends. Those are my thoughts, and I don't know what to make of it beyond that. It says something about persecution in relation to our faith; do we need to be persecuted to be blessed? After all, Jesus says "blessed are you when ..." hhmmmmm. Again, I'm really hesitant to see this as a progression of sorts, but I know for sure that I am far from being righteousness. I'm pretty far from being considered a peacemaker or even being pure in heart, I would say. Maybe when I get there I'll be ready to take on persecution, insults, and false sayings of all kinds of evils.

(Post feels incomplete, but going to publish anyways. I suppose I'm writing this to buffer myself for errors or shortcomings... maybe one day I won't need to do this either.)

why so serious?

One thing I've been learning these past few months is that not everything has to be so serious. Well, "serious" as I understand it, at least.

I don't know what else to say. I was going to write a longer post about the topic but maybe there isn't a whole lot more to say. Just... learn to laugh and enjoy the simple things. Maybe things that aren't necessarily "holy" or "Christian-y" but are definitely meant to be enjoyed. Things like spending time with people and laughing with them, like eating and cooking and playing games.

Hopefully I will also have some lighter posts and just get into a habit of writing more. I think this is partially why it's hard for me to continue to write, because I think if it's not something serious or deep or profound it isn't worth it. Similarly how sometimes I feel like I need to have really deep/personal/spiritual conversations with people in order for the time we spend together to be well-spent. But I think this is wrong. Laughing with people is worth it.

Of course, as with everything, there is a line to be drawn and a healthy balance.

repetition

Again, I wrote out a long post and then decided to write differently. Because I realized that what I was writing about was really circling around one idea that might help me understand my situation better.

Repetition isn't a bad thing. Even if it's in writing, talking, listening, etc. I need to tell myself this and come to believe it, because I think for awhile I've acted like it's a bad thing. Like the previous post, to which steve commented that I've written before. Yea, I probably have, and honestly, it makes me a little sad that I've written it before.

It makes me sad because it makes me feel like I haven't had any "progress". Like I've been stuck in the same spot for awhile. But I think in different ways I haven't been stuck, and even if I am, I need to be okay with repeating some things. Maybe I didn't really learn the first time or it still needs to settle in.

While my repetition of things may be a sign that I still struggle with that particular sin or lesson or area of my life, I need to come to terms with having to repeat it. Yeah, so maybe I feel like certain parts of my life / faith go in circles (in particular, my writing and these posts,) but maybe it's because I haven't learned from them enough and it's about time that I do.

I also think that I might be worrying/thinking too much about growth itself, rather than writing / thinking as a means to a more intimate relationship with God and to glorify Him. But that's for another time. For now.

life was meant to live!

There are many things on my mind right now, and (I think) many ideas floating around my mind waiting to come out in words, waiting to be externally processed and reviewed. But in an effort to collect my thoughts and in preparation to write, I came to realize that some of these thoughts are not really relevant to me. That is, though they would end up being an expression of my views and opinions (and some convictions) they are not really something I am going through now, per say. (Not that this isn't a reason to write about them, but more because that was the original reason for my wanting to post).

But I am reminded that today must be lived, well, today. Life must be lived (to an extent) in the now. I think too often I let myself be held back by thoughts of doubts, by questions without answers or by the uncertainty of the future. Why should that keep me from living today? Not simply waking up and sleeping, breathing and eating, but I mean, living. Embracing life.

I won't lie, I've been thinking a lot about the future, but I don't know if that's really done me any good. It's pulled some attention from the things right in front of me. (Of course, I will admit that thought, planning and prayer ought to go into our choices for the future, but I think too much planning for the future might make it hard for us to be obedient to God.)

Though I don't know what lies and awaits ahead, I know what's right in front of me now, and I must do my best to faithfully serve and love. Regardless of where I'll be, I need to be at peace with where I am. I pray that I will learn to be fully and solely satisfied in the goodness and greatness of God, today, not tomorrow.

what are you looking for?

"In religion, as in war and everything else, comfort is the one thing you cannot get by looking for it. If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end: if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth - only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin with and, in the end, despair. Most of us have got over the pre-war wishful thinking about international politics. It is time we did the same about religion."

- C. S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

RWC Bible Blog

Link here.

Check it out yo.

a glass ceiling.

How do we go deeper in our relationships? This has been something on my mind these days in light of leading small group and hoping to encourage, challenge and most of all, love other people.

Nancy encouraged me to listen to this sermon, and it was fantastic. It's by Adam Thomason of The Village Church, and is titled "Our Greatest Idol". At the beginning of the message, he talks about how we cannot go deeper in our relationships with God and with each other because we use vague language and avoid facing the tough truths about ourselves and our sin. We hit a glass ceiling. Not for one second did I think that this somehow related to idolatry.

When I read the title I immediately thought, "duh, it's ourselves. What's new."

Well, I was right in thinking that it was going to be about how we are our own greatest idols, but I was wrong for thinking I wouldn't get anything out of it. I didn't realize how deep and how sneaky this idolatry can be. Sneaky sneaky.

I strongly encourage y'all to listen. I think we often fail to realize all the areas that our self-idolatry hits us and hinders us.

Mark Driscoll on Adolescence

a quote #1

(From Richard J. Foster's Celebration of Discipline)

"The Christian Discipline of simplicity is an inward reality that results in an outward life-style. Both the inward and the outward aspects of simplicity are essential. We deceive ourselves if we believe we can possess the inward reality without its having a profound effect on how we live. To attempt to arrange an outward life-style of simplicity without the inward reality leads to deadly legalism.
Simplicity begins in inward focus and unity. It means to live out of what Thomas Kelly calls "The Divine Center." Kierkegaard captured the nucleus of Christian simplicity well in the profound title of his book, Purity of Heart Is to Will One Thing."

words.

I often find myself wanting to write and failing to find the words.

I think in times like these is when I need to be reading, or forcing myself to write... rather than doing neither.

That is all for now.

Proverbs 1:5 & 1:7(and 9:10 I suppose)

Proverbs 1:5 - Let the wise hear and increase in learning, and the one who understands obtain guidance

Proverbs 1:7 - The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction.

(Proverbs 9:10 - The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is insight.)

These should change the way we live.

Do they?

Rediscovering books!

One thing that I set out to do this past summer (for the first time in awhile) was to start reading. At the top of my list was Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne, along with others such as Far As the Curse is Found, recently Just Do Something, and currently Celebration of Discipline. Of course, reading books by other Christian thinkers does not replace reading the Bible, but it certainly gives insight into the Word, along with encouragement, helpful interpretation and practical suggestions for how to apply it to our lives.

I think inherently there is also a danger in reading books that are instructional by nature, as they are (obviously) not the authoritative Word of God. That being said, we must be careful not to consider what we read as authoritative or as "truth," but take it all with a grain of salt and test it against the Word of God.

But for those who even read this, I would implore you to start reading (or continue to read and process) the works of Christian thinkers. There are certainly a lot of books and writers that I haven't touched on and I've only recently read a small number of books, but the ones that I've read have offered unique perspectives that few (if anyone) could offer in such an articulate and through-out way. And I think a growing and changing perspective radically changes the way we live our lives, and in turn, live for God.

So please pick up a good book instead of sitting in front of the TV. I know it's hard sometimes because it's really hard for me, but just read a little bit every day and it will get easier. Think about what you're reading and test it against the Word. Ask for wisdom and discernment and seek first His Kingdom. Here are a few reasons why I think we all should read the works of other Christians (specifically books; blogs are good and all, but sometimes don't give as complete of an argument or are not as thought out).

I was thinking about making a list of reasons why reading books have helped me, but hopefully my writings/reviews/whatevers from books will suffice. I've been incredibly blessed by reading the few books that I have, and hope you will be too.

Currently trying to focus on Celebration of Discipline. Will write on it soon, as I think it also helps me process what I read and make it more concrete in my mind.

Funding.

A post that isn't very thought-out, but a quick post anyways, while it's on my mind...

With college coming to a close soon-ish (well, roughly 6-7 months), the issues of money and finances seems to be a very pressing one. On top of things, I really like the idea of doing short term missions over the summer as well as interning with Food for the Hungry in the Fall; both of which I would have to get a substantial amount of support for. (interning isn't paid, sadly.)

How much should I take into account the finances of these trips? On one hand, God will always provide and if He's calling me to these things I should certainly go and He will make a way, but on the other hand there's a practical side about spending and asking for money (a substantial amount too) on a pretty consistent basis that I can't really ignore. Cash dosen't grow on trees, and most of my friends aren't really supporting themselves yet so I don't know people that have oodles of money ready to help me do what I think God is calling me to.

I guess this is sort of what like doing full-time ministry is; living off the generosity and provision of God through the Church. Guess I didn't realize I've been doing it for all those summers in the past.

"Just Do Something"

Just finished reading Just Do Something by Kevin DeYoung.

I thought it was a superb read.

In particular I think it challenged a lot of things that for many years I've taken for granted as the "correct"-ish way to do things, make decisions, and overall live my life... and is a pretty solid book.

Some key points that stuck out to me that I want to try to hold on to and would like to share with the few who read this. Everything is in a nutshell and explained much better (in the book) and clearly than below.

1. God is not as concerned with our amoral decisions as He is with us being sanctified and worshiping Him and loving Him with all of our heart, soul, mind and strength. A lot of times I (and I think many people) worry a lot over decisions that aren't necessarily "right" or "wrong"; some examples might be deciding what job to take after college, or deciding what college to go to. We worry about whether the decision we make is going to be according to God's will or not, but what He probably cares more about is that we love Him and glorify Him while we take that job or go to a certain school. This was a good wake-up call for me to focus on the things that are important, and not stress too much over things that aren't as important.

2. I need to be willing and ready to take risks for God. Not being able to do so is (I think) a form of not trusting God. Is my heart in the right place? Is what I'm doing Biblical? Am I glorifying God by and through what I'm doing? If those 3 answers are yes, maybe I should just do it. Maybe I should just go abroad after I graduate and throw myself out there and struggle and maybe be a little lonely and do what I can to glorify and worship God in another country and culture. Maybe inaction is not a form of laziness or a lack of wisdom/discernment like I thought; maybe it's a form of distrust in the Lord. Maybe because I'm not 100% that God is "calling" me to do certain things, I don't do it. Maybe I wait to reach out to a younger brother, when really I should just take the risk and love God and love people. I'm not going to feel "called" to everything that I do in life, but that doesn't mean that God won't be glorified.

3. Wisdom is something to be sought after, and does not always come with more information. I don't know what to say after this. It's something to be prayed for and asked for, and beings with a fear of the Lord. Maybe after I meditate and read proverbs 1-2 (ish) more I'll have more to write about this.

There are a lot of other really great things that the book talks about, but I would highly recommend it to everyone for a good (or simply different) perspective on obeying God's will, and in turn, living life. Regardless, I think it helps take another look at how we go about each waking day.

"Rest for the Weary"

(Matthew 11:25-30)

²⁵At that time Jesus said, "I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children. ²⁶Yes, Father, for this was your good pleasure.

²⁷"All things have been committed to me by my Father. No one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and those to whom the Son chooses to reveal him.

²⁸"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

In search of some sort of rest, but not quite sure what kind, not sure what taking someone else's yoke upon myself means, and not sure what it looks like.

On another note, PB's message was really nice on Sunday and an excellent reminder what I must read the Bible daily. James 1 was pretty powerful after meditating and praying through it.

"need more Jesus"

My friend's status on gchat currently reads: "need more Jesus"

And I couldn't agree more.

For one reason or another this seems to be a very, very important fact that I forget easily. I need to remember that growing in my faith does not mean I need Jesus any less. In fact, it might even mean that I need Him more.

I think as I have grown in my faith, my sin has also "grown" in a sense, or at least... changed. In particular, I am talking about my pride. (Of course, other sins that I struggle with may arise and change as well, but I think pride in particular is a tricky one.) I think it's because the things I can become prideful of constantly, constantly change. Maybe a few years ago I thought I was pretty decent at leading worship. Or I thought I was SO much more humble then everyone else (but I think that perspective is actually pride as well; in perceiving yourself as more humble than others, you are more "holy" than others... a.k.a better than others.)

Maybe now my pride is different. Maybe I think I can do ministry better than other people, or I know the "right" thing to do, or I'm living a life that's more dedicated to Jesus than others. I think these are all things that might cause one towards self-idolatry. This is sin. This is pride in a new-ish form.

Which is why I need more of Jesus. Because I continually, constantly, need to remember that I am a sinner saved by grace, that I am always in need of grace. I need to remember the sin that is in me and my need for Jesus to conquer it, for God, not me, to search my heart and know my anxious thoughts, for God to work in me and sanctify me. I must remember the cross.

Less of me, more of Jesus. Please.

Question #1

Is it fair to say that an innate human desire is for permanence? Or some sense of permanence?

That is, we want to do things with value, and in particular, things that will last; things that will be memorable, or will change lives, or that can be looked back on. Maybe that's why pictures and videos are so great, or why we love to make music and art; it takes things that are temporary and makes them permanent.

Granted, many other things can factor into our motives/desires and such, but this in particular has been on my mind.