Question #1

Is it fair to say that an innate human desire is for permanence? Or some sense of permanence?

That is, we want to do things with value, and in particular, things that will last; things that will be memorable, or will change lives, or that can be looked back on. Maybe that's why pictures and videos are so great, or why we love to make music and art; it takes things that are temporary and makes them permanent.

Granted, many other things can factor into our motives/desires and such, but this in particular has been on my mind.

Hopefully, another start to more writing.

The last week-ish has been hard for me. In strange, odd little ways, but still, "hard" or "tough" I think might be the best words to describe it.

And I think it really shows me the fickleness of my own heart and the nature of my sin. Why is it so hard to discipline myself? It is infinitely easier to sit in front of a TV and watch a show or movie for hours, easy to play computer or video games over and over again. Yet it is so, so hard to read the Bible every day. Hard to soak it in, hard to earnestly pray to God every day. This doesn't really make sense to me.

It doesn't make sense because I know in my head, (And I thought I knew in my heart, but... not so sure anymore) that there is some odd twisting of values taking place here. Because I value reading the Bible, I value prayer. And you know what? I know other people value prayer. I know that my prayers make a difference. I know that when I don't pray and am not meeting with God, or when I don't read the Bible, I lose perspective. I also know that playing hours and hours of video/computer games adds very little value to my life. Yet somewhere in this thought process, where my thoughts transfer to actions, the values seem to get switched, and I spend more time doing the less-valued rather than the more-valued. (Okay, well I guess it depends on where we get this idea of 'value' from, and as I am a professing Christian and follower of Jesus... I'm not quite sure if these are things that God would value.)

Two things come to my mind when I think about this.

1. It's hard for me to really believe that anything is worth it if it is not centered around the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

2. Why are the values in my head different from that of my heart? Or, why is it so hard to transfer these thoughts into action? (I keep using this word "values" but I really think it's just because I can't think of a better term. If I do, it'll be at the end. But for now, "values" will have to do. Something to do with worth.)

It's been even more of a struggle lately because I really, really want to spend more time reading the Bible and praying. But when I say that I really, really want to, I don't. I simply do not. And this really troubles and worries me. Maybe I do for a week; maybe for a week, I'll pray an extra 15 minutes every day, or go to one extra prayer meeting, or read a few more chapters. But then it dies down. Then I forget that I'm a sinner desperately in need of God's grace, or I get lazy, or I lose sight of the cross, or... who knows.

And really, I think it's because I haven't really died to myself yet. Matthew 16:24-25 reads:

²⁴Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. ²⁵For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.

and John 3:30 reads:

³⁰He must become greater; I must become less.

Two things that are incredibly, incredibly difficult. Have I really given up my own passions and desires to follow Christ? Have I lost my life? Well, the answer is no. I haven't. I haven't lost my life for Christ. I'm not quite sure, but I think part of the reason why disciplining myself can be so difficult is because I haven't fully done this yet. I mean, maybe I never will. Probably not.

But hopefully every day, I'll wake up and pray, "God, help me live this day for you, because I can't do it on my own."

I don't know if I got my point across or if this was well-written, but that's okay. Here it is. And hopefully more will start coming. (I say that a lot, but seriously this time... more will come. Time to let go.)

Looking back...

Hrmm.

Time sure does fly. I remember when I was a freshman and even sophomore and people that were graduating (or had graduated) told me how fast college flies by. Granted, I still have a full year ahead of me and I cannot imagine what graduating is like, it's already hitting me that I'm going to be out of here in a year. But that's not really what I want to write about.

Over the past week we've been getting applications for Servant Team (ST) and seeing how God has moved in different people's lives through our fellowship, church, small groups, etc. has been a HUGE blessing and encouragement. Incredible, seriously. And it makes me wonder a few things, about myself and people in general.

First, I wonder if we share how we've grown with each other. I wonder if we didn't have these applications, if the people applying would freely and voluntarily, without bring prompted, share how God has grown them, transformed them and revealed Himself to them over the year. I wonder if we restrict ourselves to the "serious" times when we need to talk about "serious" stuff. I think sometimes it's hard to break the awkwardness when talking about our faith with others, but for some reason it's easier to be honest when we're writing (or typing I suppose).

Second, and probably what hits me more, is that I wonder if I've really given everything I could over this past year. I wonder if I really have been faithful to the things God has called me to; I wonder if I've squandered my time pretending to do the right things and say the right words.

Because I simply can't help but feel like we're missing something. Like I'm missing something. Like for a long time I've been reaching for something, reaching for God, but never really knew how to get there. Didn't know how to manage my time, how to utilize my gifts and talents, how to make the most of my relationships and every waking minute that God has gracefully given me.

Honestly, this year has been a constant struggle for me to feel like I'm using every waking moment to glorify and worship the Lord. I feel like in particular, God's been challenging me to be intentional with my relationships and time with people. And sadly, even though I still feel like that's where God challenged me this past semester/year, I feel like I've failed.

Failing at something seems pretty harsh, but let me elaborate. I don't say "fail" in the sense that there was no fruit, or that people weren't transformed, or that I didn't see the results that I would've liked to. I say fail in the sense that I'm not quite sure if I've really been entirely faithful in obeying God in this respect. It certainly doesn't feel like it; although there have been times when I have pushed myself in relationships and comfort zones, there have been times when I did not. I'd like to say I tried my best, and I think in ways I did; but I know that there was more. That there is more, and that there will be more.

You know what really fires me up, what really makes me want to get out there, reach for more, push my limits? Seeing other people on fire for God. I don't think this is in itself bad unless it becomes something I rely on to find passion, but when I grow discouraged or tired, for the most part, what really picks me back up is seeing other people struggle to live for the Lord. Seeing God glorified is AMAZING. Maybe I'm just blind to so much of it, so it's easy to slack off, instead of become a part of the movement God is leading.

Perseverance is something that isn't easy to come by. With every waking day I realize that each day is another day to live for and give to God. And some days are harder than others. Maybe we really need to be more intentional not simply in encouraging each other, but also in sharing our testimonies of how God has been amazingly good and gracious to us. It reminds us, and me, that God is real, and that He is working. Especially when my faith is too weak to believe it without seeing it.

I pray that God will increase my faith, that I may serve faithfully and make strides in giving every day to Him. 

But despite the uneasy feeling of dissatisfaction from this past year, God has been ridiculously good and faithful, as always. Amen to that.

Hopefully more writing will come in regards to this year. Feel like there's so much to write about.

Christ.

How badly do we want Him (Christ) in our lives?

How much do we want Him in the lives of others...?



I think the answer to both of these questions is: never enough.

Hum.

Well, took the last post down after talking to a good friend. So if you're reading and/or read it on google reader... realize that I did a pretty poor job conveying what I wanted to and it probably sounded one-sided, judgmental, off-target, and much more...

I told myself that if I were ever in the position where I was questioning what I would post that I would just do it unless I felt really strongly against it, since I'm kind of hoping to encourage more transparency and such... but I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea.

Words are too trixy for me. =(