Moved!

Officially re-located yet again, for really no good reason. Just silly things, like a new title and new "idea" behind the blog, and maybe because tumblr has slightly more user-friendly interface and seems to be the new thing.

http://undef1ned.tumblr.com/

feel like writing

Things are coming to a close.

I started this blog in May of 2008, and I think it's time to bring it to a close soon. In a shallow way, simply because of the title and the URL, but also because I want a sort of "fresh" start to the blogging world and I think I need to change my outlook on things a little bit.

The title comes from the idea of counting the cost of things... namely, discipleship under Jesus Christ. Rarely do we, and did I, count the cost of becoming a disciple, and in ways became caught up in knowing that we never really give up enough for the Gospel. We give parts of our hearts, minutes of our day, part of our lives... but we never really give it all. So I wanted this blog to be about that cost; about what it means to follow Jesus, about the price that we have to pay.

I think this might be a bleak outlook on life and what it means to be a Christian, and maybe stumbled me more than I realized.

All that being said, I have a lot to think about / reflect on from the past four years of my life, and I hope that as this blog comes to a close I will share those reflections here.

But, let's finish this off strong.

Focus

Over the past few weeks I've been trying really hard to discipline myself in reading the Bible (studying it, meditating on it) as well as reading other books. I've also tried to simply meditate and put to practice the idea of "be still, and know that I am God" by being still and letting myself acknowledge that God is God.

I've always had a hard time focusing on these sorts of things. When I pray by myself, even if I mutter out loud, I lose focus and need to get myself back on track; I think about songs I recently listened to, things I want to do today or tomorrow, things that happened yesterday, etc. Even when I read sometimes I lose focus. Maybe I have ADD, but there's some part of myself or my body that constantly jumps around.

Today, I realized that when I'm doing something with my hands it's much easier for me to concentrate. As I was reading at B&N today and sipping on a drink, I kept playing with the bottle cap and realized that I had just breezed through two chapters of Mere Christianity. Interestingly enough, it seems that distracting part of myself helped me focus on another.

So my question, I suppose, is this: Knowing that stimulus to my hands of some sort helps me focus, how can I use that to my advantage and how can I get over it? Do I even need to get over it? In my mind I'd like to mentally discipline myself to the point where I can simply focus on things and be still and find peace in quietness, rather than in busyness (busyness with my hands, at least). Part of me wonders if this ongoing need to do something with my hands transfers and correlates to my need to do something with my time (in general).

It's easy to busy myself doing things "for God," but can I really be still and know that He is God? Not just still in the mornings or in the evenings, but have a constant mental, emotional, spiritual stillness that is a peace and simply knows that God is God. That He is King, over this world and over my life.

Ok, I just answered my own question. Yes, I need to get over it. And yes, I need the power of Christ and God's grace to cover (and free me from) my sins, such as my need to prove my self-worth through actions and doing the "right" things. But for now, maybe when I'm reading (or something like that), I'll make sure I have something to distract my other self with...

The Beatitudes.

Matthew 5

The Beatitudes

1Now when he saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, 2and he began to teach them saying:
3"Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
5Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
6Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
7Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
8Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
9Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called sons of God.
10Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

11"Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

As I was reading this and trying to meditate on it, something really new about it hit me. Well, not new, but something I never noticed before, when trying to look at it at a whole. Allow me to try to share.

Let me start by saying that this passage has always somewhat confused me. If I'm blessed, does that mean I'm saved? Do I need to be poor in spirit for the kingdom of heaven to be mine? What do these particular words mean for me and my life? What if I'm some of these but not all of these? Is there a big difference between being a son of God and the kingdom of heaven being mine? Why does Jesus list these specific things, even qualifiers, for being blessed? Can I be blessed through other ways? What does it even mean to be blessed (in itself, beyond what the passage says, such as being sons of God, or being filled)? Is there a specific order to these?

Questions aside. In ways this is still a mystery to me. But here's what I got.

Notice that every "type" of person, or "trait" of sorts, is blessed. But they are blessed for different reasons (pure in heart, poor in spirit, meek, etc.) and with different things (the kingdom of heaven, inherit the earth, called sons of God, etc.). Though I'm not really sure, let's just say that being in any of these categories means we are "saved" as we would say. As the blessing of the kingdom of heaven being theirs is at the beginning and end of the beatitudes, I think it's safe to take that next step. I hope.

In particular, the order, and progression of the "qualifiers" (quotes, because I don't think qualifier is really the right word) got to me. It starts out with being poor in spirit; we realize and understand our depravity, how broken we are, how in need we are. We mourn, we are meek, and then we hunger and thirst for righteousness. And after we hunger and thirst for that, we can be merciful to others as God has shown mercy to us. Our hearts are made pure, we can make peace with ourselves, with God, and with others. Then... we are persecuted because of righteousness. Bam!

We go from God meeting our needs through our suffering (poor in spirit, mourning, meekness, hungry and thirsty) to God blessing us in our satisfaction (don't know the word to put. Obedience? Worship? showing mercy, making peace, etc.) to God giving us what we had originally while we are persecuted. Honestly, I'd rather stop at being poor and spirit and having the kingdom of heaven. Poor and spirit sounds better than being persecuted because of righteousness.

It's almost as if the beatitudes outline a life-long path of spiritual growth and development that we each go through. No matter what point we are on, ours is the kingdom of heaven. At each step God meets our needs and blesses us; when we mourn, He comforts, when we hunger and thirst, He fills us. And all for what? So that we can, and will be, persecuted, and again have the kingdom of heaven. Maybe with bigger rewards in heaven.

And... that's kind of where it ends. Those are my thoughts, and I don't know what to make of it beyond that. It says something about persecution in relation to our faith; do we need to be persecuted to be blessed? After all, Jesus says "blessed are you when ..." hhmmmmm. Again, I'm really hesitant to see this as a progression of sorts, but I know for sure that I am far from being righteousness. I'm pretty far from being considered a peacemaker or even being pure in heart, I would say. Maybe when I get there I'll be ready to take on persecution, insults, and false sayings of all kinds of evils.

(Post feels incomplete, but going to publish anyways. I suppose I'm writing this to buffer myself for errors or shortcomings... maybe one day I won't need to do this either.)

why so serious?

One thing I've been learning these past few months is that not everything has to be so serious. Well, "serious" as I understand it, at least.

I don't know what else to say. I was going to write a longer post about the topic but maybe there isn't a whole lot more to say. Just... learn to laugh and enjoy the simple things. Maybe things that aren't necessarily "holy" or "Christian-y" but are definitely meant to be enjoyed. Things like spending time with people and laughing with them, like eating and cooking and playing games.

Hopefully I will also have some lighter posts and just get into a habit of writing more. I think this is partially why it's hard for me to continue to write, because I think if it's not something serious or deep or profound it isn't worth it. Similarly how sometimes I feel like I need to have really deep/personal/spiritual conversations with people in order for the time we spend together to be well-spent. But I think this is wrong. Laughing with people is worth it.

Of course, as with everything, there is a line to be drawn and a healthy balance.